


Reasons to Stay Alive

by Sugaandspice



Series: Reasons to Stay Alive [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Boys Kissing, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, KageHina - Freeform, Kissing, Love, M/M, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, Volleyball, depressed kageyama tobio, inspired by a book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-04 19:24:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 37,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6672421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugaandspice/pseuds/Sugaandspice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama has had enough, but Hinata is determined to do everything he can to get him to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thirty Days

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of depression and suicide

“You can’t.”

            “Why not?”

            “You just can’t.”

            “That isn’t an answer.”

            “Well you never gave me an answer as to why you wanted to.”

            “I just want to.”

            “But why?”

            “I just do.”

            “That’s not an answer either.”

            Kageyama sighed heavily. He’d just had enough and he couldn’t deal with it all anymore. His parents were hardly ever around and whenever they were all they did was yell at him for not doing well in school. He knew he had taken Sugawara’s place in volleyball and while Suga never said it bothered him, Kageyama could tell that it did. He wasn’t as stupid as everyone, especially Tsukishima, made him out to be. He tried his best with everything and he thought that was all that mattered but apparently he was wrong because his best was never good enough for anyone.

            He wanted to talk to someone, to tell them everything that was going on, but he didn’t have a job so couldn’t afford professional help on his own and if he talked to his parents about getting help then it would all be turned into a much bigger deal than it needed to be. It was bad, he was bad, he was bad and he was getting worse every day and he knew he needed help but he was so fucking scared. He’s been clinically depressed since he was twelve and nothing ever got better.

He hoped that it would once he started high school, but it didn’t. He hoped that it would when he became friends with Hinata, but it didn’t. He hoped that it would when he realized that he and Hinata were unstoppable together, but it didn’t. He hoped that it would whenever he realized the hyperactive and overly excited boy cared for him and wouldn’t let him down, but it didn’t. He hoped that it would whenever they made it to finals, but it didn’t. He kept hoping and kept praying to a god that he wasn’t even sure he believed existed that things would get better, but it didn’t. Nothing ever got better and now Kageyama was through. He didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He _couldn’t_ deal with it anymore.

            “Kageyama.”

            “Yes?”

            “Why did you just now chose to tell me about this?” Hinata asked. “I mean… it’s clearly been going on for a long time. You have to have felt this way before to choose to do this… people don’t just wake up one day and decide they want to…”

            Hinata paused and looked up at Kageyama.

            “Do what you want to do.”

            He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He didn’t want to believe that his best friend, the boy he had come to appreciate so much, the boy that he had somewhere along the lines fallen in love with actually wanted to take his own life. Hinata had always seen Kageyama as someone who was strong and unbreakable and he never would have imagined that Kageyama would be going through all of this.

            “I just…” Kageyama looked away.

            He wanted to tell Hinata the truth. He wanted to tell him that the reason he said something was because he loved him more than anything in this world, even volleyball and pork curry, but he couldn’t do that because he knew it would only make it harder on the small spiker to let him go. He wanted Hinata to get over his death quickly and if he told him he loved him then he knew that wouldn’t happen.

            “Thought you should know…” he finished.

            “Why?”

            “You’re my best friend.”

            “So you trust me, right?”

            Kageyama hesitated before answering, almost scared of where the conversation was going to go.

            “Yes, I do.”

            “And you care about me and how I feel?”

            Kageyama swallowed hard and nodded.

            “Then give me a month.”

            “For what?”

            “I’m getting there,” Hinata said. “Give me a month and every day I’m going to give you a reason to stay alive and at the end of the month if you still want to go through with this then I’ll let you go. I won’t argue with you anymore.”

            “But that means another month of putting up with all of this shit.”

            Hinata sighed softly.

            “I know, but I care a lot about you and I don’t want you to go through with this so I’m going to do everything I can to keep it from happening.”

            Kageyama felt guilty. He had thought about this a lot and he knew from the start that Hinata wasn’t going to like it. Hinata didn’t like sad things and this was just about as you could get. It wasn’t like Kageyama was dying from natural causes; he was going to die because he wanted to. He wanted to take his own life to end all the pain and suffering that he went through on a normal day to day basis.

            He was honestly surprised that the bright haired boy hadn’t started crying. Hinata was an emotional person and they were best friends, Kageyama was sure that he would have shown at least a little more emotion than he did. He could tell his friend was upset, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t like that Hinata didn’t seem to be more hurt.

            Hinata had always been a bright spot in Kageyama’s life. He would never admit it, but he love being around his energetic friend. People had always described Hinata as the sun; in fact, Hinata literally translates to place in the sun. That’s exactly what he was to Kageyama. He was the sunshine in Kageyama’s life and the one who lit up the darkness that seemed to surround him almost every single day.

            Lately though, his sun didn’t seem to be shining as brightly and even when they were together Kageyama could slowly feel himself crumbling apart. He could hardly speak to anyone for more than twenty minutes and even just listening to Hinata was becoming tiring. The darkness had consumed him and there was no way he could get out of it. He had Googled ways to beat depression and ways to cope with depression and ways to live with depression but he couldn’t find anything that helped and he was still a minor so he couldn’t get medication without his parent’s permission.

            Kageyama’s life had fallen apart. He was surrounded by a dark cloud named depression that was choking him and sucking all of the life out of his body.

            “Kageyama?” Hinata asked softly, breaking the taller boy out of his thoughts. “Do we have a deal?”

            “Thirty days?”

            “Thirty days.”

            “Okay.”

            Hinata smiled slightly, reaching out and giving Kageyama’s hand a slight squeeze. He was going to get Kageyama to stay no matter what.


	2. Volleyball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata gives Kageyama his first reason to stay alive.

The next day Kageyama woke up and stretched. He kept lying in bed, not having any motivation to get up. He wasn’t sure why he agreed to Hinata’s deal, he didn’t want to but the look on Hinata's face was filled with just strength and determination that Kageyama broke down and agreed. When it came down to it, he knew he’d go along with anything Hinata said anyways.

            _Maybe I can just skip school today._ Kageyama thought. _It’s close to the end of the year so it’s not like we’re going to be doing much of anything anyways._

As if he could read Kageyama’s mind, his phone dinged with a text message from his small friend.

_Hinata: Get up, get up, get up!_

_Meet me at our usual spot, okay? I’m almost there._

Kageyama sighed heavily. He knew there was no way he could skip school now. If he didn’t get to their meeting spot within five minutes of Hinata getting their then he would come to his house and get him. Hinata knew where Kageyama kept the spare key and he wouldn’t hesitate to come over and walk inside and literally drag the setter out of bed.

_Kageyama: Alright, alright. I’m getting up._

_Hinata: Good! I’ll see you soon, Kageyama :)_

 Kageyama sighed again and put his phone down. He forced himself out of bed and grabbed his school uniform then walked to the bathroom. He turned on the water and stripped down then stepped into the shower, letting the water run through his hair and down his body. He began to wonder how Hinata could still be so happy when less than twenty four hours ago his best friend told him he wanted to kill himself. He was a little upset, but at the same time he felt it proved his point about no one caring even more.

            Even Hinata, his best friend, the only real friend he had ever had, didn’t care enough about him to be upset with the fact that he no longer wanted to be alive. It made his heart ache more than anything else ever had. Kageyama Tobio was hopelessly in love with Hinata Shouyou and knowing his friend would never return those feelings did nothing to help the pain and suffering that he went through every single day.

            Kageyama got out of the shower and got dressed. He went back to his room and grabbed his bag then walked slowly downstairs. He didn’t feel like eating so he skipped breakfast and just slipped on his shoes and left the house. He walked quietly to meet Hinata, ignoring the boy’s bright smile upon noticing he had arrived.

            “Good morning, Kageyama.”

            Kageyama only grunted in response.

            “How are you?”

            “Tired.”

            “You’re always tired.”

            “So are you.”

            “Not true.”

            “Every time we go somewhere as a team you either throw up or fall asleep on me and sometimes it’s both.”

            Hinata blushed and looked away.

            “You have a comfortable shoulder…”

            Kageyama didn’t say anything so the two continued to walk on in silence. They had almost made it to school when Hinata spoke up again.

            “Kageyama?”

            “What?”

            “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

            “What the hell kind of question is that?” he snapped.

            He knew it was rude to yell, but Hinata was always asking him stupid questions. He hadn’t kissed anyone and he didn’t plan to ever kiss anyone. He hadn’t dated anyone because everyone had always hated him and at this point he didn’t plan to be alive long enough to get the chance.

            “Sorry…” Hinata said softly.

            Kageyama sighed and shook his head.

            “It’s okay, I’m sorry for snapping. I just…”

            “Don’t feel well?”

            “Yeah…”

            “I’m sorry.”

            Kageyama shrugged slightly.

            “I’m used to it now…” he said softly.

            Hinata frowned and reached over to give Kageyama’s hand a soft squeeze.

            “I’m gonna help.” He said. “I’m gonna make you happy.”

            Kageyama didn’t say anything and instead kept his eyes glued to the concrete sidewalk. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Hinata to help him because that meant he’d have to give up on his plans. He sighed and looked at Hinata.

            “To answer your question, no.”

            “What question?”

            “I haven’t kissed anyone.”

            “Oh… me either.”

            “Really?”

            Hinata nodded.

            “You think I would have?”

            “Yeah.”

            Kageyama was fairly certain that Hinata had been kissed before and he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t. He was overly excited and he stressed Kageyama out sometimes, but all in all he was sweet and kind and he was a good friend and a great listener and Kageyama was shocked that he had never been in a relationship before.

            “What are you thinking about?”

            “Nothing.”

            Hinata stared at Kageyama. He didn’t really believe that, but he chose not to push it. He planned to spend the next month doing as little arguing as possible in hopes that would help Kageyama to realize how much he cared about him. It hurt him to see his friend in so much pain and he just wanted to help Kageyama get better. He loved him a lot and there was nothing in the world that he wouldn’t do for him.

            They walked inside the gym and Hinata looked at Kageyama. He seemed, for a split second, happy to be at school and in the gym.

            “Volleyball.” Hinata said.

            “What?”

            “Volleyball.” He said again. “That’s your first reason.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “You love volleyball more than anything.”

            _Not more than you._

“You love volleyball and the rush and excitement it brings and you won’t ever admit it but I know you love tossing to me because if you didn’t then you wouldn’t ever do it and you would yell at me more whenever I asked. You get this look in your eyes whenever you score and you’re so proud of yourself and you’re so happy and I know that you love the feeling you get whenever you block someone. Volleyball is something you love and I know you would miss it. We would miss you. _I_ would miss you. The team wouldn’t be the same without you. And so that’s your first reason to stay alive.”

            Kageyama gave a small nod and followed Hinata into the clubroom.

            “Okay…” he said softly.

            “And if you were gone then we wouldn’t be able to do our freak quick anymore. We may have beaten the Grand King, but we still have a long ways to the stop. We were supposed to get there together, remember? That’s where I’m going to beat you at. We may be friends, but I’m still going to beat you some day.”

            Kageyama nodded again.

            “Okay.” He repeated. “Volleyball is reason number one.”

            “Yes.”

            Hinata quickly changed and started to leave and go back into the gym. He stopped at the door and turned to look at his friend again.

            “Hey, Kageyama.”

            “Hmm?”

            “Just remember… as long as I’m here, you’re invincible.” Hinata said. “And that doesn’t just go for volleyball.”


	3. Meatbuns

After morning practice Kageyama and Hinata had to go their separate ways. Much to Kageyama’s dismay, Hinata walked him to class. Kageyama kept complaining that he wasn’t a child and he didn’t need someone to walk with him, but Hinata insisted. Secretly he did it just to insure that Kageyama got there safety and didn’t try to hurt himself someone or ditch class and go home. He was trying his hardest with Kageyama, but it didn’t seem to be working. He wasn’t sure what else he could do without telling someone and he knew if he did that then Kageyama would, quite possibly literally, kill him.

            “Be safe, okay?” Hinata said.

            They stopped as they arrived at Kageyama’s classroom door and the taller boy turn to look at his bright haired friend.

            “And don’t hurt anyone else either, okay?” he said. “Do you want me to walk you to your next class? Ah, I’ll do it anyways. I’ll come back and get you after my class. Don’t forget that we eat lunch together. Do you want me to buy you milk today?”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes as Hinata droned on. He didn’t understand why he told him not to forget about lunch. They ate lunch together every single day so why would he forget?

            “And then we can walk to practice together too and then I’ll walk you home and then go home on my own. We don’t have to split up like we usually do.”

            “Oi dumbass,” Kageyama huffed. “I’ll be fine. Just go to class before you’re late because you wouldn’t shut up.”

            Hinata blushed slightly and nodded.

            “Alright.” He mumbled, looking at the floor sheepishly.

            He looked back up and quickly hugged Kageyama tightly. He stiffened up, completely appalled at the sudden showing of affection in the middle of the school hallway. The last thing he needed was rumors going around that he was gay and dating the hyperactive shrimp he called his best friend. He was, and he did want to date Hinata, but nobody needed to know that and Kageyama didn’t want to give them any reason to.

            “Bye Kageyama!” Hinata cried. “See you after class!”

            He waved and ran off, leaving Kageyama standing alone in front of his classroom. He swallowed hard before walking in and taking his seat in the middle. He hated history. He didn’t really see why any of it mattered because it was all in the past and all the people they learned about were dead. On top of that, he didn’t have Hinata in his class and everyone else in the class was an asshole. He knew a number of them would probably say the same thing about him, but he wasn’t really an ass, he was just a little angry.

            He sat down and took out his book, almost instantly zoning out from habit. He sighed heavily and tried to block out all everything going on around him. The guys who sat behind him were loud and obnoxious, even more than Nishinoya and Tanaka combined, and it made Kageyama’s head hurt.

            “Have you seen his hair? It looks green! And not even a cool green but it looks like sewer water green.”

            Kageyama shut his eyes, trying to block out what they were saying.

            “And he’s so weird too like he hardly ever talks.”

            “And have you seen those freckles?”

            Kageyama inwardly cringed. It didn’t take a genius to figure out who they were talking about after that comment. There was only one person who had enough freckles to make people talk about him. Kageyama didn’t know much about Yamaguchi, but he and Hinata were friends and he knew that he used to get made fun of for his freckles a lot.

            “All he ever does is follow that scary blonde kid around too like doesn’t he have anything better to do? He acts like a fucking lost puppy.”

            Kageyama’s blood started to boil. How _dare_ they talk about Yamaguchi like that. They may not be friends and he laughed at Tsukishima when he made fun of others, but he was still probably the nicest person in the school.

            “And he’s so stupid! He never says anything like does he even have a voice?”

            He had enough. Kageyama stood up, slamming his hand on his desk as he spun around quickly.

            “Shut up!” he cried.

            He caught the boys off guard, causing the three of them to jump in their seats.

            “What?”

            “I said shut the fuck up!” Kageyama yelled. “Yamaguchi is three times as smart as you’ll ever be! Are you in college prep classes? No! You know who is? Yamaguchi! And maybe he goes everywhere with Tsukishima but at least he has a good friend instead of like you fucking losers who will ditch each other the second someone better comes along! News flash, everyone is better than you are! Shut the fuck up about his freckles too. You don’t fucking make fun of someone for something they can’t change!”

            “Kageyama!” the teacher yelled.

            “No!” he shouted.

            He picked up his bag and grabbed his book off his desk then stormed out of the classroom. He made his way down to the bathroom, knowing it was the only other place he could go. He walked into the last stall and threw his stuff down the sat down. He pulled his legs up to his chest and started sobbing into his knees. He didn’t know what had come over him and made him so angry as to make him start yelling. He just knew he hurt and all he wanted was the pain to end.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            “I can’t believe you actually did that!” Hinata cried.

            The day had gone by excruciatingly slow and the two were finally walking home from school. Kageyama had hardly said a word to anyone and had spent most of his day in the bathroom. Hinata had dragged him out for lunch, English and math class and he willingly went to volleyball practice and now they were thankfully on their way home. Unfortunately, by the end of the day everyone had heard about the incident in history class and he wasn’t very happy about it. Tsukishima had even come up to him and confronted him about it.

            _“King.”_

_Kageyama grunted and turned around._

_“Don’t call me that.”_

_“I heard what happened this morning.”_

_“So?”_

_“Why?”_

_“The guy was being a dick.”_

_“You aren’t friends with Yamaguchi though.”_

_“So?”_

_“So why do it?”_

_Kageyama shrugged._

_“Why not?”_

_There was a long silence before Tsukishima spoke again._

_“Thanks.”_

“Kageyama?”

            He shook away his thoughts and turned to look at Hinata.

            “Can we stop really quickly?”

            Kageyama nodded and stopped right after Hinata did. He waited outside Ukai’s shop as Hinata went inside, returning a few minutes later with four meatbuns.

            “Here.” Hinata said, holding out two and smiling.

            Kageyama hesitated. Hinata didn’t know he hadn’t been eating much lately. He always claimed he “forgot” he lunch and Hinata would share a bit of his with him, but because he had to eat to it was never much. Kageyama took them anyways, deciding to eat them and spare his friend even more pain. He took a bit of one and smiled slightly. He had to admit that it tasted good and he had been rather hungry.

            “Meatbuns,” Hinata said. “Are reason number two.”

            “What?”

            “Of your reasons to stay alive!” he cried. “Come on, Kageyama, keep up.”

            He smiled up at Kageyama who just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

            “Why?”

            “Because they’re good and you like them and it’s a tradition to get them after almost every volleyball practice and after every game and Ukai-san is also our coach now so that makes them even better.”

            “And?”

            “And if you’re d… gone.” Hinata said. “Then you can’t have any more of them. Wouldn’t you hate that? Never being able to have a meatbun every again!”

            “You like them more than I do.”

            “But you still love them!”

            Kageyama didn’t answer, he knew Hinata was right. He knew Hinata was right about volleyball as well. It was his favorite thing and he knew he would miss it if he was dead.

            “You gave me two reasons today. So you’ll have to come up with more reasons.”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “That’s okay.” He looked up at Kageyama and smiled. “I’d do anything to get you to stay.”


	4. Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry updates are so slow. I'm working almost every day and I don't have enough energy to write whenever I get home. On top of that it's hard to write about staying alive when you're struggling with that yourself, but whatever, I'm working on it. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon.

Kageyama was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling and debating whether or not he should text Hinata. It was Saturday afternoon and he was tired, bored, and rather lonely and he just wanted someone to talk to. He didn’t want to talk about what was going on and he didn’t want Hinata to give him another reason to stay alive, he just wanted to talk to his friend about volleyball and meatbuns like they always did. He closed his eyes and pressed play on his phone, his music picking up at the last place it left off at.

            _I open my eyes. I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. I can't remember how. I can't remember why. I'm lying here tonight and I can't stand the pain and I can't make it go away. No, I can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on as I'm fading away, I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?_

Kageyama sighed heavily. He didn’t understand any of this. He knew he was never the nicest person in the world, but he tried his best. It wasn’t always easy and most of the time he didn’t understand why Hinata was his friend or why the energetic ray of sunshine ever chose to get close to him, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate his bright haired teammate.

_Everybody's screaming. I try to make a sound but no one hears me. I'm slipping off the edge. I'm hanging by a thread. I wanna start this over again. So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered and I can't explain what happened and I can't erase the things that I've done. No, I can't. How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on as I'm fading away, I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?_

He was still tempted to text Hinata and talk to him; to start a conversation about their next volleyball match. It was against Nekoma and they still hadn’t beaten them yet and that was one thing that Hinata wanted most. He was just scared that Hinata would decide that Kageyama was too much to deal with and then give up on him just as everyone else had.

            _I made my mistakes got nowhere to run the night goes on as I'm fading away, I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream. How could this happen to me?_

As if on cue, Kageyama’s phone vibrated against his chest and he looked down to see a text from the same person he had considered texting only a moment ago.

_Hinata: Kags! Listen to the song Fic You_

_Hinata: I MEAN FIX! FIX YOU_

_Kageyama: Don’t call me Kags_

_Hinata: Just listen to the song_

_Kageyama: K_

Kageyama sighed and pulled up his YouTube app, slowly typing in the name of the song and clicking on the first video that came up. He leaned his head back against the pillow and listened as the music started to fill his ears.

            _When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse, and the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you._

Kageyama sighed again. He didn’t want Hinata to keep doing this. It made him feel like he was taking pity on him and that was the last thing that he wanted.

_And high up above or down below when you're too in love to let it go, but if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth. Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace. Tears stream down your face and I, wears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes, Tears stream down your face and I._

Kageyama rubbed his eyes and tried to will himself not to cry. He had cried way too much for his liking lately and he didn’t want to cry more.

            _Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you._

Kageyama waited for a moment and then slowly picked up his phone and texted Hinata back.

_Kageyama: Good song_

_Hinata: See!_

_Kageyama: Why though?_

_Hinata: Why what?_

_Kageyama: Why did you tell me to listen to it?_

_Hinata: Well there are a few reasons_

_Kageyama: Well what are they?_

_Hinata: I just want you to know that I’m always gonna be here for you_

_Kageyama: That’s all?_

_Hinata: And music is your next reason_

_Kageyama: For what?_

_Hinata: To stay alive, silly_

_Kageyama: Oh_

_Hinata: Yeah!_

_Kageyama: Is that all?_

_Hinata: I guess_

_Kageyama: Okay I’m leaving then. Thanks for the song, I guess_

_Hinata: Okay. Take care of yourself, Kageyama._

_Kageyama: K_

Kageyama put his phone on his nightstand and rolled over onto his side. He felt a little bad, almost guilty for being so cold with speaking to Hinata, but the conversation had gone the opposite of how he wanted it to. He didn’t want to talk about how he didn’t want to be alive or how he felt alone and pathetic. He didn’t want to have to rely on his friend to make him feel better.

            He just wanted to die and get everything over with. Nobody would miss him anyways, he was sure of it. Karasuno would be glad to get rid of him; they were all scared of him anyways. Sugawara could be a starting player again and Hinata wouldn’t have to deal with being hit and slapped and pushed around all the time. Daichi wouldn’t have to break up fights anymore and Yamaguchi wouldn’t have to be scared shitless every time he saw him and Asahi would stop getting so worried whenever Kageyama even glanced in Hinata’s direction.

            Kageyama didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore. He was tired of being sad and angry and hurt and crying all the time. He was sick of being alone and feeling lonely and he just wanted it all to go away. He couldn’t take anything anymore. He wasn’t going to wait for Hinata’s thirty days to be up. He was going to find a way to get rid of the pain no matter what. Nobody loved him so it wasn’t like it would hurt him anyways. Kageyama sighed heavily and sent a quick text to Hinata.

_Kageyama: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. Thanks for sticking around. I’ll see you again someday. Goodbye, Shouyou._


	5. Sleepovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda short and kinda bad but I still like it.

There was a pounding on his door and Kageyama groaned. He sat up and put his slippers back on then go up and walked into the foyer. He opened the door, surprised to find Hinata standing on his doorstep holding an overnight back in one hand and his futon in the other.

            “What the hell are you doing here?”

            “Coming over.”

            “I see that much, dumbass.”

            “I’m spending the night.”

            “Why?”

            “To protect you.”

            “I don’t need protection.”

            “Well according to your last text, you do.”

            Kageyama sighed heavily and stepped aside, letting Hinata walk in. He turned and waved goodbye to his mom and then slipped off his shoes and looked up at Kageyama.

            “Where should I put my stuff?”

            “Um… my room, I guess.”

            Kageyama led Hinata back to his room. He dropped his bags and then followed Kageyama out to the kitchen.

            “Want anything to drink?”

            “Water.”

            Kageyama nodded and opened the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water out and passing it to Hinata.

            “Where are your parents?”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “Who knows…” he mumbled.

            “They don’t live here?”

            “Not really.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “Technically this is their house, but they’re never here. I have no idea where they are. The only time I hear from them is when I get the monthly letter with a check for food and stuff.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “It’s always been this way…”

            “I’m still sorry. It shouldn’t be this way.”

            “I don’t care anymore.”

            Hinata frowned and reached for Kageyama’s hand.

            “I care about you a lot, Kageyama…” he said softly. “You know that, don’t know?”

            “Yeah.”

            “And you know I’m always here to talk, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Good.”

            Both boys were quiet and then Hinata spoke up again.

            “Let’s watch a movie.”

            “Don’t want to.”

            “Well what do you want to do then?”

            “Die.”

            “Kageyama!” Hinata yelled.

            “You asked.”

            The orange haired boy crossed his arms and frowned.

            “What?”

            “I want you to not want to die.”

            “Good luck.”

            “Hey, you gave me a month. I’m not going to let you go at all, but I’m definitely not going to so soon. You gave me a month and I’m going to give you thirty reasons to stay alive.”

            “I don’t agree to this.”

            “Well you already did and you’re not going to back out. I’ll come over every single day if I have to. I will walk you to and from school and call you every hour that we’re apart if that’s what it takes to keep you here.”

            “Do that and you’re going to die with me.”

            Hinata huffed.

            “I just!”

            “You what?”

            “I don’t want to lose you!”

            “Eh, you’ll get over it.”

            “What?”

            “I said you’ll get over it.” Kageyama said. “Everyone will. Nobody will care to begin with.”

            “What?”

            “No one will care.”

            “I just told you that I do!”

            “You don’t count.”

            “Well why not?”

            Kageyama shrugged and Hinata sighed.

            “Why are you doing this?” he asked.

            “Why are you?”

            “Because you’re my best friend.” Hinata said. “You were my first friend at Karasuno and you weren’t just a friend, but also my partner. I like getting your tosses and I like winning with you and I still want to beat you someday and I can’t do that if you do this.”

            “So you just care about volleyball.”

            “No, I care about you!” Hinata yelled. “Why are you being so stupid? Why can’t you get it through your thick head?  You are my friend! I care about you and I don’t want to lose you.”

            Kageyama shrugged and Hinata sighed.

            “You’re impossible.” He mumbled.

            He got up and walked to the couch, flopping down and grabbed the remote. He turned on the tv and started flipping through channels, finally settling on a movie he’d heard Nishinoya and Tanaka talking about a few days before.

            “Are you taking over my house?”

            “Sure.”

            “Why?”

            “Why not?”

            “That’s not an answer.”

            “Now you know how I feel.”

            “You’re a pain in the ass.”

            “Takes one to know one.”

            “I hate you.”

            “I’m not leaving.”

            Kageyama sighed and sat down on the couch a few feet away from Hinata.

            “What’s on?”

            “Some movie.”

            “What’s it called?”

            “I don’t know.”

            “Then why are we watching it?”

            “Noya-san and Tanaka-san were talking about it and they said it was good.”

            “And you trust them?”

            “Yes.”

            “Okay.”

            The boys were quiet for a while, only paying attention to the movie. Hinata didn’t say anything more at risk of upsetting Kageyama and Kageyama didn’t say anything because he hadn’t wanted to talk to begin with. If he was honest, he was glad Hinata had come over and had wanted to stop him, but he was also incredibly frustrated because he couldn’t seem to give him any good reasons.

            Hinata sighed softly and leaned over, putting his head in Kageyama’s lap. He jumped and looked down, furrowing his eyebrows. Hinata smiled up at him and it was so innocent and genuine that Kageyama couldn’t help but smile back.

            “You have a nice smile.”

            “You said it was scary…”

            “Not anymore.” Hinata said. “I think it’s…”

            “It’s what?”

            “Cute.”

            Kageyama blushed and looked away.

            “S-shut up, dumbass.”           

            Hinata laughed softly and turned his attention back to the movie.

            “It is though.”

            Kageyama covered his face and Hinata sighed softly. He was glad that Kageyama seemed to be a bit happier. He hoped Kageyama believed him too because he actually meant it. He wasn’t just saying it to make him feel better; he genuinely believed that Kageyama had a nice smile.

            “Sleepovers.”

            “What?”

            “That’s your next reason,” Hinata said. “Sleepovers.”

            “What about them though? Why?”

            “Have you never had a sleepover before?”

            “No, not other than training camp.”

            Hinata sat up quickly and looked at Kageyama.

            “We have a lot to do tonight then!” he cried. “We’re gonna order a huge pizza and eat that and chips and candy and popcorn and watch lots of funny movies and anime and—”

            “Slow down.”

            “Okay.” Hinata took a deep breath. “I’ll order a pizza. An extra-large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and breadsticks and you can make the popcorn. Well after we get the pizza so it’s still hot and then we’ll find something to watch. Do you have DVDs? I brought some so if you don’t have any or don’t want to watch any of those then we can look at mine. If you have any video games then we can play those too.”

            “Then what?”

            “We eat and talk and you can tell me about any girls you like.”

            Hinata poked Kageyama and he shook his head.

            “No girls.” He mumbled.

            “Okay then we won’t talk about that and we’ll talk about other stuff while we eat lots of junk food and watch movies and play video games.”

            Kageyama nodded and got up, walking to the kitchen and coming back a few minutes later with three take-out menus.

            “I like the one on top best, but they’re all pretty good.”

            Hinata nodded and picked it up.

            “We’ll order from there then.”

            He picked up his phone and dialed the number then placed the order. Once he hung up he looked at Kageyama and smiled.

            “Sleepovers are fun. I think you’ll like them.”

            “What else do we do?”

            “Anything you want. This is for you. We can stay up all night if you want. That’s what people usually do. We could play games like truth or dare too if you want.”

            Kageyama nodded and looked down. He wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but it did sound fun. He also just liked the idea of spending the entire night with Hinata.  He sighed softly and looked up at Hinata, smiling slightly as he watched him laugh at the movie that was still on. Maybe this was a good reason to stay alive afterall.


	6. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly most of this chapter is just me living out my cliche dreams.

Kageyama woke up around three in the morning. He opened his eyes to find himself still on the couch and Hinata lying in front of him. He sighed softly, putting his arm around Hinata's waist and pulling him a bit closer before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.

            Hinata woke up three hours later. He looked down and found Kageyama’s arm wrapped around him and blushed. He shifted slightly and turned to face Kageyama, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. He could have sworn he saw Kageyama blush as he raised his hand and ran it through his dark hair gently.

            “Kageyama.” Hinata whispered.

            Hinata shook him lightly and Kageyama mumbled something in audible.

            “Kageyama, wake up.”

            Hinata shook Kageyama again and he opened his eyes, whining softly.

            “What?”

            “Get up; I want to show you something.”

            “What time is it?”

            “Ten after six.”

            “That’s early.”

            “I know, but it’ll be worth it.”

            Hinata got up and walked to Kageyama’s room, rummaging through his bag for a pair of sweatpants. He was about to change when he saw Kageyama walk in, his hair sticking up in various directions and making Hinata smile.

            “What?”

            “Nothing.”

            “What are we doing?”

            “You’ll see, but dress warm.”

            “Do I need a jacket?”

            “No, we can take a blanket.” Hinata said. “Do you have a small one?”

            “There’s one on my bed.”

            Hinata nodded.

            “I’ll get it in a minute then. I’m gonna go change.”

            Kageyama nodded and Hinata left the room, walking to the bathroom to change. Kageyama put on a pair of sweatpants and socks and then walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a slice of pizza still in the box leftover from the night and bit it before tossing it back down. They had both eaten a lot and Kageyama felt a bit ill now. He walked to the kitchen and put a pot of water on as he waited for Hinata to come back.

            He took down two mugs and put a teabag in them then leaned against the counter and waited for the water to boil. A few minutes later Hinata came back into the kitchen, the fleece blanket flung over his shoulder.

            “Ready?”

            “Almost.”

            Hinata smiled and nodded. The kettle started whistling and Kageyama picked it up and poured the water into the mugs. He passed one to Hinata who took it carefully and smiled.

            “Come on.”

            Kageyama nodded, following behind Hinata as he made his way outside. He sat down on the porch swing and looked up at Kageyama, patting the spot next to him. He sat down and Hinata moved closer to him, pulling the blanket around them both.

            “What are we doing?” Kageyama asked.

            “Just watching.”

            Hinata shivered and scooted a bit closer to Kageyama. He laid his head on his shoulder and took a sip of his tea. Kageyama glanced at Hinata, but didn’t move. He liked being close to him; especially this weekend when his usually energetic friend was calm and gentle. He slept peacefully being able to hold Hinata in his arms. He was sure it was the best he has slept in years.

            It took everything in him not to blush when Hinata had kissed him. He was sure it had just been a friendly gesture, he saw Daichi and Suga kiss each other’s cheeks all the time, but he still couldn’t help the fluttering he’d felt in his chest when it happened.

            “Whatcha thinking about?”

            “Nothing.”

            “You look like you were deep in thought.”

            Kageyama shook his head.

            “How are you feeling?”

            “I’m okay, I think.”

            Hinata smiled.

            “That’s good,” he said. “Did you enjoy the sleepover?”

            “Yeah, I feel a little sick though.”

            “Sorry, I guess I should have warned you about that. Eating a lot of junk food, especially so late at night, usually does make someone sick.”

            “That’s why I made us tea though.”

            “Is it helping?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Good.”

            The boys were quiet; neither of them saying anything as they sat and watched the sun come up. It was nearing the beginning of winter so it was cold and Hinata's teeth were starting to chatter. Without thinking, Kageyama put his arm around Hinata and pulled him closer. Hinata blushed and leaned into his side. He was warm and smelt nice and Hinata decided he wanted to stay like this forever.

            “Did you sleep okay?” Hinata asked.

            “Yes, I think…”

            “You think?”

            “It was the best I’ve slept in a while.”

            “That’s good!” Hinata grinned. “Maybe you’re just lonely.”

            “I am lonely,” Kageyama replied. “But I am also clinically depressed. I have to take medication for it.”

            Hinata was quiet for a moment, just staring up at Kageyama.

            “Is that how you were going to do it?”

            Kageyama nodded and Hinata reached for his hand, taking it in his own and squeezing it gently.

            “I’m glad I got here when I did…” he said softly. “I’m glad you didn’t do it.”

            “What about you?”

            “What about me?”

            “How did you sleep?”

            Hinata thought back to how it felt to wake up with Kageyama’s arm wrapped around him. He felt warm and happy and his insides were all fuzzy and filled with butterflies. He was fairly certain that’s what love felt like and he never wanted to feel anything else.

            “I slept really well. You’re comfortable.”

            Kageyama blushed, making Hinata laugh softly.

            “You’re cute when you blush.”

            “Shut up.”

            Hinata laughed again and took another sip of his tea. He turned his attention back to the sky and let out a small sigh.

            “Sunrises are your next reason.” He said.

            “They are pretty.” Kageyama murmured.

            Hinata nodded in agreement.

            “Exactly. That’s partly why it’s a reason.”

            “Why else?”

            “Well, sunsets and sunrises both show that nothing lasts forever. Yeah Monday was really bad but the sunset shows that it won’t be Monday forever. The sunrise shows that it’s now Tuesday; a brand new day for you to be able to start over and try again. They also show that there will always be beauty in the world. Even when things are bad and people are depressed and anxious and others are worried they’ll lose their best friend and parents leave their children alone for extended periods of time even when they shouldn’t. There’s still beauty in the world.”

            Hinata got really quiet, staring straight ahead for a moment before speaking again.

            “And I think that in itself is something beautiful.”

            Kageyama smiled slightly, looking way so Hinata couldn’t see.

            _Yeah._ He thought. _I think so too._


	7. Hot Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Semi-domestic KageHina FTW

“How are you feeling?”

            “A little bit better.”

            “Good, I’m glad.”

            Hinata smiled and sat back down next to Kageyama. He handed him another mug of tea and sighed softly.

            “What made you start drinking tea?”

            “When I was really little I would get really anxious and my mom, this was back when she actually cared, she looked up things to help me because I was only six so she didn’t want to take me to see someone and risk them putting me on medication because there’s so many other side effects and she was worried what it would do to me.”

            “Don’t you take medication now though?”

            “Yeah.”

            “So why not then?”

            “I think because it was just starting.” Kageyama said. “When I was 12 she took me to see someone because that’s when she more or less realized that it was going away. She took me to see someone and they medicated me for depression and anxiety and that’s where I’m at now. She was right though. I did get worse.”

            “You were talking about the tea though?”

            “Yeah, since I was six she looked for home remedies and one of them said herbal tea so when I got really anxious she would have me do some deep breathing and then she would make me a cup of peppermint tea. It obviously never took away my anxiety, but it helped to calm me down a lot so I’ve continued to drink it. I also drank it whenever I get stomachaches because my mom told me that peppermint helped for that too. It’s also a hot beverage and I don’t like coffee and hot chocolate is only good sometimes where tea is good all the time. Even now when it hasn’t started snowing yet and it’s just cold, like when we were sitting outside, we’re cold but it warms us all up.”

            Hinata smiled, sitting up a bit straighter.

            “Why are you asking?” Kageyama asked. “Do you not like tea?”

            “No, I do.” He said.

            “Then why were you asking?”

            “I was just curious. You like tea, right?”

            “Well yes, I just said that.”

            “You just gave yourself another reason then.”

            “What?”

            “Hot tea!”

            Kageyama opened his mouth to speak and then stopped. He couldn’t argue with Hinata there. He did like tea and hot tea was as good of a reason any other.

            “You know if you keep giving me multiple reasons on one day then you’re going to run out of time.”

            Hinata shook his head.

            “You’re wrong.”

            “What?”

            “You gave me thirty days not thirty reasons.”

            “You were supposed to give me one reason per day so that would be thirty reasons.”

            “Nope.” Hinata shook his head again. “I can give you as many reasons as I want to. The more reasons the better, really because you might like some of them better than others or something like that so maybe reason number fifty will be the reason that really convinces you to stay and you would never even have found it out if you didn’t let me give you more than one reason.”

            “Are you ever going to stop arguing with me?”

            Hinata giggled softly and shook his head.

            “Nope.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes, making Hinata laugh again.

            “You’re funny.”

            “What did I do?”

            “Nothing.”

            “Then how am I funny?”

            “You just are.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes again, shaking his head at his bright haired teammate.

            “Are you hungry?” Hinata asked. “Do you want some lunch? I could cook something for us or we could order in again.”

            “I don’t have much money.”

            “I can pay for it.”

            “I can’t ask you to do that.”

            “You’re not asking, I’m offering.” Hinata said. “I don’t mind.”

            “Save your money for something you really want.”

            “What if I want to buy you lunch?”

            “No.”

            “Why not?”

            “I just…” Kageyama sighed. “Save your money, okay?”

            “Alright. Can I make you something?”

            “If you really want to.”

            “I do.”

            “Then go ahead.”

            Hinata got up and walked into the kitchen. He started looking through the cabinets and in the fridge to see what Kageyama had.

            “You don’t have much here.”

            “I haven’t gotten my check from my parents so I haven’t been able to buy any groceries. I’ve been rationing all my food.”

            “All month?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Kageyama!” Hinata yelled. “That isn’t good! Why didn’t you tell me? I could have asked my mom to pack a lunch for you.”

            “It isn’t your problem.”

            “But you’re my friend and I care about you.”

            Kageyama shrugged and Hinata pouted.

            “I can make some shoyu ramen.”

            “Of course, make a dish named after yourself.”

            “I am not named after ramen!” Hinata cried.

            Kageyama laughed softly. He took a coaster from the holder and then placed his empty mug on it on the coffee table in front of him.

            “Ramen would be good. There are noodles in the cabinet in front of you.”

            Hinata nodded and grabbed the noodles. He put a pot on to boil and then went back and sat down next to Kageyama.

            “Are you okay with me spending the night again?”

            “Yeah, if you want.”

            “I want to.” Hinata said. “But do you want me do?”

            Kageyama looked down at his lap as he thought it over. He did want Hinata to stay. He would like it if Hinata stayed for more than just tonight. He’d like for him to stay for a long time. He wanted to be able to wake up next to him again, curled up together on the couch or in his bed. He wanted to feel Hinata's soft pink lips against his cheek again or better yet, against his own lips.

            “Kageyama?”

            The dark haired boy looked up, staring into his friend’s deep brown eyes. He could have sworn he saw his eyes sparkling. Kageyama mentally cursed himself for falling for his friend. It didn’t make anything easier for him and on top of that it made it impossible to say no.

            “You can stay.”

            “Yay!”

            Hinata threw his arms around Kageyama and hugged him tightly. He realized what he was doing and pulled away, his cheeks flushing profusely.

            “Sorry.” Hinata said giggling.

            “D-dumbass.”

            Hinata jumped up and ran back to the kitchen. He put the noodles in the pot and started chopping up the few vegetables Kageyama had. He took out another pot to make the broth and hummed softly as he cooked.

            “I never would have thought you could cook.”

            “My mom taught me when I was younger.”

            “You never talk about your dad. Whatever happened to him?”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “He’s never really been around. I haven’t seen him since Natsu turned one. I think he and my mom are still married though.”

            “Sorry.”

            “It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about him.”

            “Why don’t you then?”

            “Nobody has cared enough to ask.”

            “How are you so happy all the time?”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “The way I see it is we’re all born for a reason. We all have a purpose. Maybe we don’t all know what our purpose is, but we do all have one. If you give up before you find yours then you never get to achieve it and maybe it’ll take a while to find, but you do have one.”

            “What if my purpose is just to die?”

            “It’s not.”

            “How do you know?” Kageyama asked. “What is it if it’s not that?”

            “I don’t know what your purpose is, but I know for a fact it’s not to die.”

            “How?”

            “Because Kageyama.”

            Hinata’s voice grew serious and he turned, staring Kageyama straight in the eyes.

            “I know you and I know you are capable of so much.”


	8. Cookies

Kageyama woke up the next morning to the smell of warm chocolate chip cookies. They were his favorite so he would recognize the smell anywhere. He sat up and yawned, running a hand through his messy black hair.

            “Cookies?” he mumbled.

            He knew he didn’t make much sense, but he never did in the morning. Hinata turned around and smiled at Kageyama.

            “Good morning, sunshine.”

            “What?”

            “Nothing.” Hinata giggled.

            “When did you get up?”

            “Around 8,” he said. “I wanted to do something special for you so I woke up and took a shower and changed and decided to make you some cookies.”

            “How did you make cookies?”

            “Well you had flour and sugar and stuff and I brought chocolate so I just cut it up to make little chunks and then put them in the dough.”

            “They smell good.”

            “Good. Go take a shower and put on some clean clothes. They should be done by then so you’ll be able to have some.”

            Kageyama nodded, getting up and walking to the bathroom.

            “Don’t forget to brush your hair and teeth!” Hinata called.

            He gigged softly to himself. He liked taking care of Kageyama; it made him feel like he was actually needed. It helped that he actually listened too and didn’t try to argue with him about everything. He wondered if Kageyama liked it too. He had said that he slept better with Hinata there, so he assumed he liked having him around.

            Hinata found a small skillet and took out two more eggs. He poured some oil into the pan and then cracked the eggs, letting out a pleasant hum as the loud sizzle filled his ears. He waited for them to cook a bit then added some salt and pepper.

            Cooking for Kageyama was much easier than cooking for his family. Natsu has so many allergies and he has to be careful of what goes in the food whenever he cooks at home. He loves her and usually doesn’t mind, but sometimes it’s frustrating since there’s so much she can’t have. On top of that, Kageyama isn’t picky so Hinata knows he’ll eat almost anything he cooks.

            Hinata wanted to add some cheese because he always liked to have cheese on his eggs, but Kageyama didn’t have much left and he had already said he didn’t have money for groceries so Hinata left it alone. He wanted to buy Kageyama food, but he wasn’t sure if he would accept it. For the most part, Kageyama was self-sufficient and Hinata didn’t want to upset him by forcing him to accept help.

            He got two small plates from the cabinet and put an egg on each of them. He sprinkled on a little bit more pepper then took out two glasses. He got a glass of water for himself and a glass of milk for Kageyama.

            The timer went off and he grabbed an oven mitt and took the cookies out. He set the pan on the stove and grabbed a spatula to get them off the pan. He set a few on each plate and then covered the rest with a paper towel. He took the plates to the table and went back to get the glasses right as Kageyama was walking back into the room.

            “How are you feeling?” Hinata asked.

            “Good.” He replied. “I think I needed a shower.”

            “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Are you ready for breakfast?”

            Kageyama nodded and followed Hinata to the table. They sat down across from each other and Kageyama looked at the plate and then back at his friend.

            “Thank you for the food.”

            Hinata smiled.

            “Of course. I like cooking for you.”

            “Really?”

            “Well I just like cooking in general, but yeah. You seem to really appreciate it.”

            “I do.” Kageyama said. “I can kinda cook but you’re a lot better. I haven’t had a meal this good in a while.”

            Hinata blushed and looked down.

            “I’m glad you like it.” he murmured.

            Kageyama picked up a cookie and bit into it, the warm chocolate oozing out and hitting his tongue. He let out a pleasant hum and shoved the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

            “So good.” Kageyama mumbled.

            Hinata laughed and cut a piece of his egg.

            “Good.” He said. “I got you milk too.”

            “Thanks.”

            Hinata nodded and took a bite.

            “I wasn’t surprised to find that you had milk and not really anything else.”

            “I love milk.”

            “I know.”

            Kageyama dipped a cookie into his milk and then shoved it into his mouth. Hinata's cookies were possibly the best cookies he had ever had. The only ones they came second to where the cookies he got from an old bakery back when he was four. His family had only gone there a few times, but he always got a chocolate chip cookie and he remembered them being close to the size of his hand.

            They were always warm and fresh and he loved the way the chocolate would ooze out of the cookie as he took a bite. Kageyama tried for years to find chocolate chip cookies to match the ones from the bakery but he never did. Hinata’s came close though and now he never wanted to let Hinata go. He wanted him to bake and cook for him all the time.

            Kageyama went to grab another cookie and realized there were no more. He stared at his plate and pouted, making Hinata giggle softly.

            “They’re all gone.”

            “Here, have one of mine.”

            Hinata passed Kageyama one of his cookies and smiled.

            “There’s more on the stove, but eat your egg first.”

            Kageyama nodded, doing as he was told. He ate his egg and then Hinata cookie and then finished his glass of milk. He hummed again, leaning back and patting his stomach.

            “You should cook lunch too.”

            Hinata laughed, shaking his head fondly.

            “We just finished breakfast.”

            “Still.” Kageyama said. “Or make me these cookies a lot.”

            “You like them that much?”

            “Yes.”

            “Then that’s your next reason.”

            “Cookies?”

            “Cookies.”

            “Why cookies?”

            “Because you love them and you stay alive for the things that you love. Would you really want to live without these cookies?”

            Kageyama didn’t answer and Hinata started to worry he phrased things badly. He hoped he hadn’t made Kageyama feel worse about the whole thing.

            “Can I have another?”

            “Only if you promise you won’t eat them all at once.”

            “I promise.”

            “And if you come do the dishes since I cooked.”

            Kageyama nodded quickly, getting up slowly and taking their dishes before making his way into the kitchen. Hinata followed behind, watching as Kageyama washed their plates and glasses carefully. Hinata set two cookies aside then wrapped the rest in foil and set them in the fridge. He passed the pan to Kageyama and then grabbed a dishtowel and started to dry the dishes.

            Once they were finished Hinata put the dishes back in their respective cabinets and handed the cookies to Kageyama. He smiled and bit into one then looked at Hinata and furrowed his eyebrows.

            “Is it not good?”

            “No it is.”

            “Then why are you looking at me like that?’

            “Because you don’t have a cookie.”

            “I made them for you.”

            “But I want you to have one too.”

            “Kageyama—”

            “No, have a cookie.”

            Kageyama held out his second cookie, not looking away from Hinata.

            “But that’s your cookie.”

            “I want to share with you.”

            “But—”

            “Please.”

            Hinata looked at Kageyama. His eyes looked so big and gentle, more soft than Hinata had ever seen him look at anyone or anything.

            “Okay.” He said, letting out a small sigh and taking the cookie.

            Kageyama smiled and then it quickly faltered, his face returning to its usual flat expression.

            “You okay?”

            “Yes.”

            Kageyama let out a soft sigh and walked back into the living room. He turned on the tv and began flipped through channels before turning to look at Hinata.

            “Are you coming?”

            “Yeah, just a second.”

            Hinata walked back to Kageyama’s room and looked through his bag. He found the envelope he had hidden there a while back. He chewed on his lip, debating whether or not he should give it to Kageyama so his dark haired friend would finally know how he felt. Maybe that could get him to stay. He shook the thoughts away and shoved the letter back into his bag and walked back to the other room.

            Kageyama was laughing at something that was said on tv and Hinata couldn’t help but smile. He had a melodic laugh, so different than he would have imagined Kageyama’s laugh to sound like. It was a nice sound though and made Hinata feel warm inside.

            _Maybe it’s selfish to tell him I like him just to get him to stay._ Hinata thought. _But love is always a reason to stay… right?_


	9. Pork Curry with Egg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama is a bit ooc at parts but oh well

“Kageyama!”

            Hinata ran towards Kageyama’s classroom, waving his hand wildly above his head. Kageyama flinched at his loud voice, silently cursing him for not being quieter.

            “Kageyama!”

            Hinata ran over to Kageyama and held up one finger, trying to catch his breath after his energetic sprint down the hall.

            “Ready for lunch?”

            “About that…”

            “What, you don’t want to eat lunch with me today?”

            “I don’t have lunch…”

            “That’s okay.”

            Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows, but didn’t question why Hinata said that. He had been so adamant that Kageyama eat when they spent the weekend together, but now he was saying it was okay that Kageyama didn’t have lunch. He didn’t understand but he was tired and hungry and chose not to start an argument with his friend. They walked out to the picnic table they usually sat at and Hinata smiled at him.

            “What?”

            “I made you lunch!”

            “Why?”

            “Well because I knew you didn’t have much to eat and you said you liked what I made you before and I like to cook for you too. You wanted me to make you lunch yesterday but I had to go home so I didn’t get to and you wouldn’t let me buy you anything so I made you come.”

            Hinata unwrapped his lunch and passed the second box across the table to Kageyama. He handed him a pair of chopsticks and smiled.

            “I also care about you and I know—”

            Kageyama let out a small gasp, cutting Hinata off and making him laugh.

            “That it’s your favorite.” He finished.

            Kageyama nodded quickly and started to eat, muttering a thank you through his stuffed mouth. Hinata smiled and nodded and opened his own lunch, starting to eat as well. He could tell Kageyama was enjoying it as he saw the same look in his eyes as when he was eating the cookies the day before.

            “You even added egg.” Kageyama said.

            Hinata nodded and smiled.

            “I know you don’t just like pork curry, but you like pork curry with egg. It isn’t your favorite food if you don’t add the egg.” He said. “I had to beg my mom to take me to the store since we were out of eggs and I also needed to buy the pork. When I told her it was for you she didn’t have a problem taking me.”

            Hinata laughed softly.

            “My mom really likes you. She wants you to come over for dinner sometimes soon.”

            “Maybe.”

            “Anyways I got back home and I started cooking and I wanted it all perfect and it took me like six hours but I finally got it all done.”

            “You didn’t have to do that.”

            “I know, I wanted to.”

            Hinata smiled and Kageyama returned it then quickly dove back into his food. It made Hinata feel good, knowing his friend appreciated his food so much. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was helping him though. Did getting attention and home cooked food and freshly baked cookies help him feel better? Was it giving him more of a reason to want to stay alive? Kageyama knew Hinata cared about him and wasn’t going to go anywhere so that had to reassure him at least a little bit.

            “This is really good.”

            “I’m glad.”

            “How did you make it? The pork is so juicy.”

            “It’s a secret.” Hinata grinned. “I have my ways.”

            “This is the best pork curry I have ever had.” Kageyama said. “You’re a really good cook.”

            Hinata's eyes widened.

            “Really?”

            He could barely believe his ears. Not only was Kageyama complimenting him, but he was giving him probably the best compliment that Kageyama could ever give to anyone.

            “Yes. I really like it.”

            Hinata’s heart swelled a bit and he looked back down, trying to hide the blush that had found its way to his cheeks. He still could hardly believe what he heard. If he hadn’t heard it himself he would think that it was a lie.

            “Kageyama-kun, are you feeling okay?”

            “Why?”

            “Just… curious.”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “I’m tired and haven’t really eaten anything other than the cookies you made yesterday so I’m hungry.”

            “But you’re complimenting me.”

            “I can be nice.”

            “Seriously? You, nice?”

            “Shut up, dumbass.”

            “And he’s back.” Hinata said, giggling softly.

            Kageyama ignored Hinata's comment and continued to eat.

            “Hey Kageyama?”

            Kageyama shoved more food into his mouth and grunted, signaling for Hinata to keep talking.

            “I have another reason for you.”

            Kageyama glanced up at Hinata, tilting his head to the side a bit.

            “What is it?” he asked.

            “Food,” Hinata answered. “Well, favorite foods.”

            He pointed to Kageyama’s bento with one of his chopsticks.

            “Pork curry.”

            “With egg?”

            “With egg.”

            “So pork curry with egg is a reason I should stay alive?” Kageyama asked.

            “Yes.”

            “Why?”

            “Well…”

            Hinata sighed softly. He had plenty of reasons as to why it’s a reason to stay but he wasn’t sure if Kageyama would think any of them were good. He was already so worried that Kageyama wouldn’t find any of the reasons he was given as a reason worth staying. He’d been struggling for a long time and had clearly made up his mind that this was something he wanted to do.

            Hinata was lucky that Kageyama had even given him the thirty days he asked for. It had only been a week and Kageyama wasn’t doing any better and he didn’t seem to have any plans to actually stay alive. Hinata knew he couldn’t expect Kageyama to get better overnight, but he still wished he had a little more of an idea as to whether he was even doing any good or not.

            “How much pork curry do you eat?”

            “Almost any time that I can.”

            “Exactly.” Hinata said. “If you… if you do the thing you want to do, if you go through with it then you um… you’ll be…”

            “Dead.”

            Hinata flinched at the word. He hated how easily Kageyama had said it and how little it seemed to bother him.

            “Yes…” Hinata's voice was much softer than before. “Pork curry with egg is your favorite food and you won’t ever be able to eat it again.”

            Hinata sighed. his argument sounded so much weaker than it had for every other reason he had given Kageyama and he hated it.

            “Yeah.”

            Hinata frowned. He was worrying that he was failing. He wasn’t going to get Kageyama to stay. He was scared he was going to fail and if he did then he was never going to forgive himself for it.


	10. Natsu

“Kageyama!”

            The dark haired boy sighed softly as his name was yelled once more. He gripped his bag a bit tighter and looked up as Hinata ran towards him.

            “Ready to go?”

            Kageyama shrugged and Hinata smiled slightly.

            “My mom is really excited to see you.” he said. “She’s been asking me for a while when you’re going to come over again and since I asked to go to your house this past weekend she’s been asking me even more. Friday on the way there she told me to ask you to come over for dinner soon. I was thinking about next weekend maybe but she insisted on it being sooner so that’s why it’s today. She said you could spend the night too so that you wouldn’t have to go back home so late at night.”

            Kageyama nodded and followed Hinata down the sidewalk. He wasn’t entirely sure why he agreed to go to Hinata's house, especially on a Tuesday, but his friend seemed so excited for him to come over. On top of that Mrs. Hinata was always so nice to him and he wanted another home cooked meal so he agreed. Even if it didn’t go incredibly well, Kageyama was sure that it would be better than spending another night all alone.

            “I didn’t bring my bike today so we could walk together.”

            Kageyama didn’t say anything so Hinata continued to talk.

            “My mom is going to make Sukiyaki and soup with Udon noodles. It might taste a little different than you’re used to but that’s because my sister has a lot of allergies so we have to change things to make it okay for her to eat.” Hinata said. “But my mom is still a really good cook. She’s the one that taught me. I think I told you that. I’m sorry I’m talking so much I’m just really excited.”

            “It’s okay.”

            Hinata looked up at Kageyama and smiled.

            “I’m glad that you’re coming over. We can’t stay up as late as we did at your house, but we can stay up talking for a little bit if you want.”

            “Okay.”

            Hinata got quiet after that, not know what else to say. The two boys walked in silence, heading towards Hinata's house. Kageyama didn’t feel much like talking and Hinata wasn’t sure what else he could say. He had already given Kageyama every reason he thought of for him to stay and he was currently struggling to come up with more. He still had three weeks and he wasn’t sure what he was going to do if he couldn’t come up with anymore.

            Hinata hesitated and then reached over, taking Kageyama's hand gently in his own. Kageyama flinched and started to jerk away. Hinata wasn’t sure if that had been a smart move or not and he was about to apologize when Kageyama relaxed and let Hinata keep his hand. If he was honest, he’d wanted to hold Hinata's hand for a while, but he was never going to be the one to make the first move.

            Hinata laced his fingers between Kageyama's, his heartrate starting to speed up. He knew he should be trying to shove his feelings for Kageyama away especially considering the current situation, but he also wanted to keep him close and hold onto him for as long as he could. He had decided that if all of his other reasons failed then he would tell Kageyama that he liked him. He knew it was selfish, but if Kageyama wouldn’t stay for anything else then maybe he would stay for love.

            Hinata wasn’t sure what he would do if Kageyama did go through with his plan. They hated each other at first, but they quickly grew to be good friends and then into best friends. They were partners, a duo, #9 and #10, they were always known to be together and Hinata didn’t want any of that to change.

            Part of him felt selfish, not wanting Kageyama to kill himself because then he would be alone, but he would feel even worse if he didn’t do anything to try to stop him. Kageyama was his best friend and maybe they weren’t as close as everyone else on the team is, but they were still friends and Hinata valued his friends more than almost anything else.

            Kageyama sighed softly and Hinata looked up at him. He looked tired and distressed and Hinata just wanted to stop and wrap his arms around Kageyama and hug him until time stopped. He wanted to take away some of Kageyama's pain or give Kageyama some of his happiness to make him feel a little better. He didn’t like seeing his friend so sad and hurt like he was.

            He wondered if Kageyama's parents were around if he would be better. From the little bit that Kageyama had told him his mom seemed to care for him a lot when he was a little boy so why did things change now? Was his dad ever around? Is that what started it all? Did his dad leave and make his mother upset and was it Kageyama's fault and that’s why she started to care less about him? Why did they never even call him to make sure he was doing okay? All that they did was send him a check so he could buy whatever he needed for the month and he hadn’t even gotten yet and he had no other way to buy food. Hinata wasn’t sure why things were the way that they were; he just wanted Kageyama to be happy.

            A little while later they arrived at Hinata's house. He let go of Kageyama's hand, knowing that his mom would bombard him with questions if she saw. He unlocked the door and walked in.

            “Mom, we’re here!” Hinata yelled.

            “Onii-chan!”

            Natsu ran towards Hinata, wrapping her arms around his legs and clinging to him. She hugged him tightly and then saw Kageyama. She gasped and let go of Hinata to look at Kageyama.

            “Onii-chan’s friend!”

            Hinata laughed softly.

            “I’ll take your stuff to my room.”

            Kageyama nodded and passed Hinata his bags. He took them and walked to his room, setting them on the floor and walking back out. He found Natsu and Hinata in the same spot they were in when he left. Kageyama was staring down at Natsu and she was staring right back, holding her arms up in the air.

            “Well, pick her up.”

            “Um…”

            “It’s okay, she’s light.” Hinata said. “And she doesn’t bite.”

            Kageyama nodded and carefully bent down, picking Natsu up and holding her out. She giggled softly and reached for his face.

            “Go on, hold her right.”

            “Um… I…”

            “Wait, have you never held a little kid before?”

            Kageyama shook his head and Hinata smiled fondly. He walked over to him and took Natsu and showed Kageyama how to hold her before handing her back. His arms were shaking slightly, but he held her anyways. Natsu poked his nose and giggled.

            “Onii-chan’s friend is nice.”

            “His name is Kageyama.”

            “Ka-ga…”

            “Yama.” Hinata said. “Kageyama Tobio.”

            “Toby!” Natsu cried. “Toby, Toby, Toby!”

            Kageyama managed a small smile and Natsu squealed, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing.

            “Toby has pretty eyes.”

            Kageyama's eyes grew wide as Natsu wiggled out of his arms and dropped to the floor. Hinata laughed and shook his head slightly.

            “It’s okay, she does that a lot.”

            “Let’s go play!” Natsu cried.

            She grabbed Kageyama's hand and tugged him towards the living room. She had a small tea set on the table and tugged his arm to get him to sit down.

            “Natsu, stop bugging my friend.”

            “My friend now.”

            Kageyama smiled and sat down next to her. He looked to Hinata who walked over and sat down as well.

            “I don’t mind.” He said softly.

            Kageyama never had any siblings and he never saw his family very often so he wasn’t used to being around little kids. Natsu was nice though and she was so happy. She was almost like the female version of Hinata himself. He had always been rather scared of kids for the same reason; he wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to hold them. Most children he came across looked at him and started crying so he tried to stay away from them as much as he could.

            “Have tea.”

            Natsu picked up the small teapot and held it over a cup. She poured pretend tea into the cup and passed it to Kageyama. He looked at Hinata would just smiled at him and nudged his side.

            “Drink your tea, Yamayama-kun.”

            “Shut up.”

            Hinata laughed and leaned his head on Kageyama's shoulder. He was beginning to feel much more comfortable around him and he liked being able to lean against him or hold his hand without being hit on the head.

            Natsu picked up her small teacup and urged Kageyama to do the same. He picked it up, holding the small handle in between his index finger and thumb. She hit her cup against Kageyama's and then put it to her lips, giggling softly as Kageyama did the same. When he put it down she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Kageyama hesitated before putting his arm around her and patting her back gently.

            Natsu giggled again and then ran away. Hinata nudged Kageyama again, making the dark haired boy turn and face him. Hinata poked him gently, a smile spreading across his face.

            “What?”

            “I found you another reason.”

            “What is it?”

            “Natsu.”

            “Your little sister?”

            Hinata nodded.

            “She loves you.”

            “Really?”

            “She’s hugged you more than she has me and usually she clings to my legs and won’t let go until mom tells her to get off.”

            Kageyama managed a small smile.

            “She likes to play with you.”

            “She just met me.”

            “She still brought you right in here to play tea party with her.”

            “She ran away.”

            “How are kids usually around you?”

            Kageyama looked down at his lap, staring quiet for a moment.

            “They cry…”

            “And Natsu didn’t.” Hinata said. “She doesn’t care what you’re like; she just really wanted you to have a tea party with her. That’s a good reason. You’re always welcome her and she will always be happy for you to play tea party with her.”

            Kageyama nodded, getting quiet again.

            “I’m not giving up on you.”

            Hinata smiled and stood up, holding his hand out to Kageyama. Kageyama hesitated and then took it, standing up slowly. He stared at Hinata for a minute and then looked away. Hinata walked towards the kitchen and Kageyama followed behind.

            “Hey mom, is dinner almost ready?

            Hinata's mom turned around and smiled.

            “Oh, Kageyama-kun, how are you?”

            She dried her hands and stepped forward, giving Kageyama a tight hug.

            “I’m okay.” Kageyama said softly. “Thank you for having me.”

            “Of course.” She smiled. “You’re always welcome here.”

            Kageyama like Hinata's family. His whole family was so nice and welcoming and Kageyama had always hated hugs but didn’t hate theirs. They made him feel at home and like he was genuinely welcome at their house any time he wanted to come over.

            The four of them sat down at the table and Kageyama waited and then started to eat. It wasn’t as loud as he expected it to be, Hinata seemed much calmer whenever he was at home than when he was at school. His mom asked them both a few questions and they answered and before he knew it dinner was over.

            Hinata's mom left to give Natsu a bath and get her ready for bed while Kageyama helped Hinata clear the table. They stayed quiet while they washed the dishes and Kageyama felt calm and at peace.

            After the finished they showered and got ready for bed. Hinata set up a futon for Kageyama on the floor next to his bed and then laid down. Kageyama turned off the light then laid down and curled up. They were quiet for a while and Hinata was almost asleep whenever he heard Kageyama call his name. He was about to answer whenever Kageyama spoke again.

            “I can’t say this with you being awake…” he said quietly. “So I am now… um… I never really had a friend before you and now you’re my best friend and… and I’m really sad and I hurt a lot but you’ve been trying to help me a lot and I’m really grateful for that… I don’t know if it’s helping any, I honestly can’t tell, but you’re trying and you actually care and that means a lot… so thanks…”

            _Always, Kageyama._ Hinata thought. _Always._


	11. Yamaguchi Tadashi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm here again.  
> I'm sorry I was gone for so long. I was dealing with a lot of things and I didn't do any writing. I think that I'm doing better now so I'm going to try to do more writing.
> 
> In other news, I saw Twenty One Pilots this past Saturday and it was so fucking great. I love them so much.

“Are you ready for school?” Hinata asked.

            Kageyama nodded, slowly standing up and taking his bowl to the sink. He rinsed it out and put it in the dishwasher then turned to head to the door. He saw Hinata staring at him and smiling and he looked away.

            “What?”

            “Nothing.”

            Kageyama shook his head slightly and walked away. He picked up his back and slipped on his shoes then let out a soft sigh. He thought he would at least feel a little better after last night, but things just seemed to weigh on his heart even heavier.

            “You okay?”

            Kageyama shrugged and Hinata gave him a sympathetic smile.

            “Come on, we can stop and get a doughnut or something on the way.”

            Kageyama nodded and opened the door. Hinata slipped on his shoes and grabbed his bag before yelling goodbye to his mother and following Kageyama out the door.

            “I’m not going to bring my bike today so that we can keep the same pace.”

            Kageyama nodded and Hinata frowned. He wanted to get Kageyama to talk, but he wasn’t entirely sure how to.

            “Do you want to sleep over again tonight?” Hinata asked. “Or if not tonight, would you like to sleep over again this weekend? It’s the third weekend of the month so we make our own pizza and then go out for ice cream. It’s a really nice place; I think you would like it.”

            “Maybe.”

            “Have you ever made your own pizza before?”

            “No.”

            “Would you like to try it?”

            “Maybe.”

            “If you don’t want to sleep over then you could always come over for pizza and then go back home.”

            “Maybe.”

            Hinata was hoping Kageyama would come over for pizza. He knew that if he did then there was no way his mom would let him go back home. She would make him stay again and then Hinata would have more time to convince him to stay over on Saturday and maybe even Sunday night as well.

            “My mom could always drive you home if you don’t want to walk.”

            “You mom is nice.”

            Hinata smiled.

            “Yeah, she’s great. She likes you. Natsu does too. Natsu loves you.”

            “Why?”

            “Why what?”

            “Why does she like me?”

            “She thinks you’re nice.” Hinata smiled. “And she said that she thinks you’re funny.”

            “She thinks I’m nice?”

            Hinata nodded, his smile growing when he noticed the corners of Kageyama’s mouth turn upwards slightly. Kageyama couldn’t help but feel a little bit lighter. He knew Natsu was just a child and children though everyone was nice and everything was funny, but he had never been called nice before and it felt good to hear.

            “Hinata.”

            “Yes?”

            “Maybe I will spend the night again this weekend.”

            “You already said maybe.”

            “I know, but I mean…” he paused. “I think I will.”

            “You will?”

            “Yeah.”

            Hinata smiled.

            “Cool.” He said. “I think you’ll have fun.”

            Kageyama sighed softly. He was starting to wonder if he had made a mistake. He didn’t want to get Hinata's hopes up and make him think he was doing better when he wasn’t. He looked at Hinata, noticing the small boy had more of a bounce in his step since Kageyama had agreed to stay the night again. He shook his head slightly.

            _What did I get myself into?_

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            They had just finished their morning warm-up and Kageyama was leaning against the wall drinking his water when he heard Hinata yelp.

            “Kageyama!” he cried. “You’re bleeding!”

            Kageyama looked down to find his white shit spotted red. He started to open his mouth to speak when Sugawara beat him to it.

            “Yamaguchi, take him and get him cleaned up.”

            Yamaguchi nodded, grabbing Kageyama's hand and tugging him across the gym floor and back towards the clubroom.

            “Sit down.”

            “I’m fine.”

            “Sit down!”

            Kageyama sighed and nodded, sitting down on the chair by the table. Yamaguchi picked up the first aid kit. He pulled out the antiseptic wipes and looked to Kageyama.

            “Do you want to do it or should I?”

            Kageyama shrugged and Yamaguchi sighed. He lifted Kageyama’s shirt, gasping softly when he saw his stomach. Yamaguchi thought Kageyama had just worked himself a little too hard as he and Hinata often did. Instead, he found Kageyama’s stomach littered with thin white lines, both long and short. In between those were more that were pink and puffy and clearly fresher cuts. A couple of them had come open which resulted in Kageyama's bleeding.

            Yamaguchi didn’t say anything and carefully took the antiseptic wipe across the cuts to clean them. He threw the wipe in the trash and picked up a bandage, motioning for Kageyama to stand up before wrapping the tan fabric around his stomach.

            “Does that feel okay?”

            “It’s squeezing my back.”

            “I know, but the bandage will stop the bleeding and hopefully prevent more. It’ll keep them from getting infected to.”

            “Aren’t you going to say something?”

            “About what?”

            “How I got them.”

            “No.”

            “Really?” Kageyama asked, staring at Yamaguchi.

            Yamaguchi took a small breath and held his arms out to Kageyama. He looked down, seeing the same pattern of thin white lines going up the entire length of his arms. Some were much darker whites and thicker lines than the others and Kageyama knew the exact reason for it. They were all horizontal except for one line one each arm that started at the wrist and went halfway up his forearm.

            Kageyama felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. He and Yamaguchi were never really friends, but he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Yamaguchi had always been so nice and kind, he was always so happy. Kageyama could barely believe what he was seeing. He knew better than anyone that the way a person seems may not be how they actually are, but he still couldn’t believe that Yamaguchi had been through this as well.

            “You tried to kill yourself…” he said softly.

            Yamaguchi nodded.

            “Things have never been that great at home. That’s why I always go over to Tsukki’s house instead of him coming over to mine. I won’t go into details, but things were really bad and Tsukki isn’t good with emotions or good at talking so I didn’t really have anyone else that I could go to so I got my feelings out in the only way that I could think to. One day just got to be a little too much and I did this.” Yamaguchi said, brushing his finger over the vertical cut.

            “Tsukki had been trying to call me and I didn’t answer so he got worried and he came over. He was the one who actually found me. His mom took me to the hospital and I had to stay there all summer. They put me on suicide watch and I almost never got any time alone. I had to start seeing a psychiatrist and they put me on antidepressants. Tsukki checks up on almost every day and he checks my arms, legs, and stomach once a week to make sure I’m not doing it again.”

            Kageyama stayed quiet for a while and Yamaguchi spoke again. Right at the same time, Hinata had walked up to check on Kageyama. He heard them talking and didn’t want to interrupt so he stayed outside the door.

            “I don’t know what’s going on, but if you ever want to talk to someone who understands, you can talk to me. I promise I won’t tell anyone about it, not even Tsukki.” Yamaguchi said. “You have Hinata too, he may not understand, but he does care for you a lot.”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “He’s been really nice…” he said quietly. “Even though he doesn’t fully understand how I feel.”

            “Most people don’t understand unless they’ve been in that situation themselves. I don’t think Hinata has so he isn’t going to understand.” Yamaguchi said. “That’s okay too though. Tsukki doesn’t fully understand either, but he still talks to me and makes sure that I’m okay and haven’t gone back to my old habits.”

            “I don’t want Hinata to do that. I don’t want him to know.”

            “He doesn’t have to know. This can stay between you and me, okay?” Yamaguchi said softly. “Just… will you try to stop?”

            “Why?”

            “It’s not healthy.” Yamaguchi said. “And one time I cut too deep and I almost cut a nerve and if I had done that then I could, probably would, have lost mobility in my hand and arm. It was pretty scary. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

            Kageyama stayed quiet and Yamaguchi stood there, patiently waiting for his answer.

            “Okay.” Kageyama said. “I’ll try.”

            Yamaguchi smiled.

            “Good. I’m always here if you need to talk too.”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “Thanks.”

            Yamaguchi’s smile grew and he nodded.

            “Let’s get back out to practice now.”

            Kageyama nodded and started to head to the door.

            “Hey, Kageyama.”

            The dark haired oy turned around and Yamaguchi shifted, looking down shyly.

            “Thanks for standing up for me the other day.”

            “You’re welcome.”

            Both boys got quiet again and then Kageyama nodded towards the door.

            “You coming?”

            Yamaguchi nodded and Kageyama opened the door. Hinata quickly stepped to the side to hide that he had been standing there. The two walked out and Yamaguchi walked back over to the team. Kageyama started to follow him; only to his arm was grabbed by Hinata who pulled him back.

            “Are you okay? What happened? What’s going on?”

            “What? I’m fine.”

            “Why were you bleeding?”

            “Oh um I hit my stomach.”

            “Are you okay?”

            “Yeah. It just took a while because I was talking to Yamaguchi.”

            Hinata smiled.

            “I found you another reason then.”

            “What is it?”

            “Yamaguchi.” Hinata smiled. “He’s the only person besides me that you’ve said more than a few sentences to lately. I could barely get you to say more than one word on the way here and you had an entire conversation with him! On top of that you let him take care of you and clean your stomach. Usually you wouldn’t let anyone touch you.”

            Kageyama nodded slightly.

            “He’s really nice.”

            They started walking back to the other side of the gym and Yamaguchi looked up, flashing Kageyama a smile and a quick thumbs up. Hinata looked at him and back at Kageyama and smiled.

            “So is Yamaguchi your new best friend or something?” Hinata asked, half joking.

            “No. That’s you.”

            Hinata beamed. _He_ is Kageyama’s best friend. He was sure that was the best news he had heard all day.


	12. Warm Blankets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone be my friend

“Run, run, run!” Hinata cried.

            He ran to the front door, Kageyama following behind. They panted heavily, Hinata’s small body shivering from the cold rain. He unlocked the door and walked inside, slipping off his shoes and dropping his coat and bag down next to them. Kageyama hesitated and then followed Hinata's lead, walking quietly behind him to his bedroom.

            “I’m not sure you would fit any of my clothes, but I do have a pair of shorts that my grandma bought me the wrong size in. You can change into those and I have a big tee shirt you can borrow.”

            Kageyama nodded, his body shaking as he waited for Hinata to get the clothes. The smaller boy fished them out of the back of his drawer and held them out to Kageyama.

            “You can go change in the bathroom and I’ll change here.”

            Kageyama nodded and quietly left the room, walking into Hinata's bathroom to change. He stripped down, peeling his wet uniform off and draping it over the side of the tub. He dried off and pulled on the shorts and shirt, rubbing his arms slightly to warm himself up. He walked out of the bathroom and back into Hinata's room.

            Hinata, who hadn’t finished changing yet, saw Kageyama and squealed. He grabbed his shirt, using it cover his chest and hide it from Kageyama. Kageyama’s face flushed and he covered it, trying not to peek through his fingers to look at Hinata again.

            “Okay, you can look again.”

            Kageyama lowered his hands and looked at Hinata, both boys’ cheeks still dusted pink. Hinata shifted on his feet. He knew Kageyama had seen him shirtless before when they were in the clubroom changing both before and after practice, but this seemed different. This _was_ different. They had just ran halfway home from school in the rain and Kageyama was wearing his clothes and not to mention the tugging in his heart at how cute the taller boy looked in the tee shirt that was baggy even on him.

            “Come on, let’s go watch a movie.”

            Kageyama nodded, following Hinata out of the bedroom and into the living room. He sat down on the couch and Hinata handed him a remote.

            “Pick a movie, I’ll be right back.”

            Kageyama nodded and began searching through the movie channels. He settled on one he had heard Nishinoya and Tanaka talking about a few days before and waited for Hinata.

            He looked around the room. Everything here felt so much homier than his own house did and he was quickly starting to love being here more than he ever loved being at his own home. Hinata's mom was so nice and Natsu was loud, but she was always smiling and always wanting to talk to Kageyama.

            He didn’t know what she was telling him about half of the time, but it was still nice to listen to the little girl ramble on and on about the things she liked to do. She tried to get him to let her give him a makeover and really didn’t want it but she gave him giant puppy dog eyes and he came so close to giving in. Luckily, Hinata had come to rescue him and Natsu gave up.

            “Kageyama!”

            Hinata's voice cut him from his thoughts and he looked over to see the bright haired boy plop down next to him with a large blanket.

            “I asked mom to put a blanket in the dryer for us so we could cu—” he paused. “So we could watch a movie and we all warm and toasty.”

            He handed the blanket to Kageyama and moved a bit closer to him. Kageyama put the blanket on them and made a small noise. Hinata started giggling and Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows.

            “What?”

            “You sounded so cute!”

            “Well I’m cold and the blanket is really warm.”

            Hinata continued to giggle and Kageyama pouted, only making Hinata start to coo and squeal softly.

            “You’re so cute.”

            Kageyama blushed and Hinata pulled the blanket up further.

            “I like spending time with you. You’re really nice whenever you aren’t grumpy.”

            Kageyama managed a small smile.

            “I like it here too…” he said softly.

            They continued to stare at each other for a bit before Kageyama blushed and looked away from Hinata. His heart was pounding too hard and he didn’t think he could look at Hinata any longer without kissing him and he knew if he kissed him then he could mess everything up.

            “Y-you should play the movie.”

            Kageyama nodded and pressed play, settling back into the couch and pulling the blanket around him.

            “This blanket is so warm and soft.” He murmured.

            Hinata smiled.

            “We found your next reason then.” he said.

            “Warm blankets?”

            “Warm blankets.”

            “Can you explain that?” Kageyama asked.

            “Well like you said about this one, they’re soft and warm and you can bundle yourself up in them. The toasty little cocoon makes you feel all warm and safe and when you feel safe then you feel happier and, obviously, when you feel happy then you don’t feel sad.”

            Kageyama tilted his head to the side, letting what Hinata said sink in. he supposed he had a point; the blanket did make him feel a lot safer than he usually did. He was sure that had something to do with being with Hinata though.

            “Yes, I guess that makes sense.” Kageyama said.

            Hinata beamed.

            “See!”

            Kageyama nodded and turned back to the movie. They sat their quietly, watching the movie together. The longer they watched it, the antsier Hinata got. As it turned out, the movie Kageyama had chosen was a thriller and Hinata didn’t do well with anything even scary. There was a loud scream and Hinata yelped, making Kageyama laugh softly.

            “Hey! It’s not funny.” Hinata pouted.

            “It is.”

            “I hate you.”

            Kageyama smiled and turned back to the tv. He hesitated and then moved a bit closer to him, slipping his hand into Hinata's. Hinata blushed, glancing at Kageyama out of the corner of his eye. He thought it might be an accident so he waited a bit and when Kageyama didn’t move his hand, he slipped his fingers in between Kageyama's who in return squeezed his hand gently.

            Hinata smiled and leaned his head onto Kageyama's shoulder, cuddling a bit closer to him. Kageyama hesitated and then leaned his head on top of Hinata's. They sat their quietly, neither of them saying another word nor moving from their position; neither of them even wanting to in fear of ruining everything they currently had.

            For the first time in as long as he could remember Kageyama actually felt happy. The voices in his head were quiet and his body didn’t feel like it was shutting down on him. He felt calm and relaxed and sitting here like this with his best friend and the person he loved made him feel like he was actually going to be okay.

            Hinata was only trying to compose himself. He had no idea how Kageyama felt or if this meant that he liked him back, but at this moment he didn’t even care. His heart was pounding and he was terrified that Kageyama would be able to hear it, but he was happy and excited and he didn’t want this moment to end.

            Before either of them knew it, the movie had ended. Hinata stayed quiet. He was scared if he said anything then Kageyama would pull away and he didn’t want that. At the same time, the silence was eating away at him and he felt like he was going to go crazy if he didn’t say something. He took a deep breath. If Kageyama let go of his hand then he would just deal with it and maybe try again later.

            “That was a scary movie.”

            Kageyama nodded in agreement.

            “I didn’t know it would be.” he said. “Nishinoya-san and Tanaka-san were talking about it and I thought it would be funny, not scary.”

            “It was very scary.”

            Kageyama was about to say something else when they heard the door open. He quickly sat up, moving away from Hinata some. He kept hold of Hinata's hand, squeezing it a bit tighter. He was scared as to what Hinata's mom was going to say if she saw them so close together.

            “Toby!”

            Natsu ran into the room, jumping in between the two boys and forcing them to let go of each other’s hand.

            “Toby, are you staying with us for dinner again?”

            Kageyama nodded and Natsu beamed.

            “Momma! Toby is staying for dinner!” she cried.

            Hinata's mom smiled at them from the doorway.

            “It’s nice to have you again, Kageyama-kun.” She said. “Dinner will be ready in about an hour.”

            Kageyama nodded and looked back at Hinata.

            “Natsu, do you want to watch a movie?”

            “Yeah! Can we watch The Little Mermaid?”

            “Sure, go put it on.”

            Natsu nodded, climbing out from between them and running over to the tv. She grabbed the DVD off the shelf and opened it up, talking the disk out and putting it in the player.

            “Can I sit next to Toby?” Natsu asked.

            “Yes, but sit on his other side so I can too.”

            Natsu nodded and ran back over crawling onto the couch and leaning against Kageyama’s arm. He smiled slightly. She was the first child he had ever met that wasn’t scared of him and he still didn’t understand why but it felt kind of nice to have someone who wanted to be around him.

            He nudged Hinata gently and motioned towards his sister. Hinata smiled and moved a bit closer to Kageyama, taking his hand again and lacing their fingers together. They were still under the blanket and Natsu was paying more attention to the movie than she was to them.

            “Are you going to spend the night again?”

            “Do you want me to?”

            “Shhh! Watch Ariel!” Natsu said.

            Hinata rolled his eyes and Kageyama laughed softly, lowering his voice to speak to Hinata again.

            “Do you want me to stay?” he whispered.

            “I want you to stay.”

            “Then I guess I’ll stay.”

            Hinata smiled. Maybe his reason a day plan was actually working.


	13. Late Night Chats

The rain didn’t let up for the rest of the evening. In fact, it only got worse. The small showers turned into heavy downpours accompanied by strong winds and loud, booming thunder. Every clap made Hinata jump and he felt like his heart was going to leap out of his throat. Unlike earlier when he was holding Kageyama’s hand, this time the pounding of his heart was not for a good reason.

            There was bright flash of lightening, the flash lighting up Hinata’s room. He pulled the blankets up to his chest more, trying to shut as much of it out as he possibly could. A loud clap of thunder followed the lightening and Hinata yelped, gripping his blankets as he felt the house shake.

            Kageyama looked up at Hinata from the floor. Even in the dark he could faintly see his friend’s bright orange curls sticking up in various directions. He could see the covers moving slightly and assumed he was shaking.

            “Hinata?” Kageyama asked softly. “Are you okay?”

            Hinata started to speak but was cut off by more thunder, causing him to yelp again. He huddled further under the blankets.

            “N-n-no…” he said quietly. “V-v-very s-scared.”

            “Because of the storms?”

            “Y-yeah.” Hinata mumbled. “W-will you l-lay with m-me?”

            Kageyama hesitated and then nodded.

            “Yeah…” he said softly.

            Kageyama crawled out of his sleeping bag and stood up; glancing down at Hinata who moved the covers down so Kageyama could climb into bed. The dark haired boy laid down and pulled the covers back up. Hinata quickly cuddled close to Kageyama who hesitated and then wrapped his arms around him.

            He could feel Hinata shaking still so he started to rub his back, hoping that it would calm him down. Whenever he stayed with his grandmother when he was really young, any time he had a nightmare she would let him lay in her lap and she would rub his back until he calmed down and was able to fall asleep again. He hoped it worked for Hinata too.

             “I h-hate thunderstorms.” Hinata managed.

            “I usually do too.”

            “Why don’t you now?”

            “Because you’re here.”

            “What?”

            Hinata was confused. Did Kageyama just say he wasn’t afraid because they were together? Did that mean he liked him? Did that mean he felt safe with Hinata?

            “You’re here so I’m not alone.” Kageyama said. “I’m not alone so I’m not afraid of the storm, even being as loud as it is.”

            “Oh…” Hinata said softly.

            “Thunderstorms are not a reason to stay alive.”

            “Don’t say that.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I’m giving you reasons to stay not reasons to go. I don’t want you to think of any reasons to leave because then you’re going to have those stuck in your head instead.” Hinata said. “And I really want you to stay.”

            “Why?”

            “Because you’re my best friend and my teammate.”

            “I’m your best friend?”

            “Yes, does that surprise you?”

            “A little bit.”

            They got quiet again. Hinata didn’t understand why Kageyama was so surprised by that, but he didn’t want to ask and risk messing things up especially when it was storming and Kageyama lying with him was the only thing making him feel safe.

            “Do you think we can make it to Nationals?”

            “Yes. Don’t you?”

            “Yes.”

            Silence filled the room again and Hinata mentally cursed himself. He wanted to talk, but he was struggling to come up with a topic they could talk about for a longer period of time than the other two. Kageyama seemed to be thinking the same thing because before Hinata could speak up, Kageyama beat him to it.

            “When I was little my grandma would tell me that thunder was just God bowling with the angels up in Heaven.” Kageyama said. “Even as a kid my parents were gone a lot so I would stay with my grandparents a lot and thunderstorms would scare me so I would always crawl in bed with them. She would lay there and rub my back and tell me that it was okay because God and the angels were just having fun bowling after a long day of taking care of everyone.”

            “What was the lightning?” Hinata asked.

            “I asked that too. My grandpa told me it was just the lights on the lanes so they could see to bowl in the dark.”

            “Did it work?”

            “As a little kid it did.” Kageyama said. “As I got older though and I learned what lightning and thunder both really were it really hasn’t.”

            “Not at all?”

            “Sometimes if the storms aren’t too bad then I just close my eyes and try to pretend that I’m four years old again and back with my grandparents and imagining that God’s up there bowling.”

            “Does it help?”

            “Sometimes.”

            “Do you believe in God?”

            “I don’t know.” Kageyama answered. “I want to because of my grandparents, but at the same time I’m not sure. Why would I feel like this if He existed? Why would I feel like I have no one and like no one cares? If God exists then why isn’t he helping me more? I used to pray and ask him to, but nothing ever got better so one day I just gave up.”

            “I think there’s a God.”

            “Why?”

            “I don’t know. I just do.”

            Kageyama shifted slightly, pulling Hinata a bit closer to him. He felt better being able to hold onto someone while the storm was going on. Usually he would hold onto the stuffed koala bear his grandmother had given him whenever he was eight, but it was sitting at home on his bed so it wasn’t doing him any good.

            “I think I came up with another reason.”

            “Reason for what?”

            “For you to stay alive.”

            “Oh. Right.” Kageyama said. “What is it?”

            “Late night chats.”

            “What?”

            “Late night talks, you know, like this one. We’re laying here at two o’clock in the morning talking about things and you’re telling me a story about when you were a child and what really could be much better than this?”

            “Sleeping.”

            Hinata laughed softly and Kageyama couldn’t help but crack a small smile at the vibrations of the smaller boy’s chest against his own.

            “I’m not wrong.”

            “No, you’re not.” Hinata said. “But I am kind of having fun talking to you like this. Your voice gives me something else to focus on so I don’t have to pay any attention to the thunder.”

            “I can steal hear it.”

            “Well so can I, but it’s easier to focus on you.”

            “So does that mean you’re less scared?”

            “Yes.”

            “Good, I’m glad.”

            “Are you?” Hinata asked. “Less scared.”

            “Yes.”

            “Good, I’m glad too.”

            They got quiet again and Hinata was trying to think of something else to say. He was about to speak when he heard slight snoring. He looked up to find Kageyama asleep, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. Hinata smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Kageyama’s jaw before cuddling a bit closer to him. He closed his eyes, letting out a small yet happy sigh.

            “Goodnight, Kageyama.” He whispered. “Sleep well.”


	14. Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is really short and shitty but I hope you like it anyways.

Kageyama woke up the next morning to find himself wrapped around Hinata. He blushed, dipping his head down to hide his red cheeks. He was happy, but he also felt incredibly shy now that he was fully awake and aware of how they had fallen asleep.

            There was a knock on the door and Hinata whined, pulling closer and shoving his face into Kageyama's shirt. Kageyama tried to pull away some in case they walked in, but Hinata's grip was too tight for him to be able to move.

            The door opened and Kageyama held his breath. He closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep in hopes that Hinata's mom would leave them alone and not say anything.

            “Shouyou,” she said softly. “Tobio, are you boys awake?”

            Hinata groaned and pressed his face into Kageyama's chest more.

            “Ten more minutes, mom…” he mumbled.

            “Sweetheart, school’s been cancelled for today.”

            Hinata perked up.

            “What?”

            “The temperature dropped really low last night and all the rain from the storm turned into snow. The roads are icy and it’s not safe to use them so they cancelled school for today.” She said.

            “So we get to stay home?”

            “Yes, but don’t sleep for too much longer.”

            “I won’t.”

            “Good.”

            She turned around and walked back out of the room. Hinata looked at Kageyama and laid back down for a moment, placing his hand on the other boy’s chest before starting to trace small shapes on his chest.

            Hinata sighed softly and closed his eyes again, stopping his hand.

            “Why’d you stop?”

            Hinata jumped at Kageyama’s voice, making the taller boy laugh softly.

            “That’s not funny!” Hinata cried. “You scared me!”

            “It was.”

            Hinata shoved Kageyama gently.

            “Jerk.”

            “Dumbass.”

            Hinata scoffed.

            “Rude.”

            He sat up and started to push Kageyama's shoulders.

            “What are you doing?”

            “Trying to push you out of bed.”

            “Why?’

            “Because you’re being mean.”

            “You’re not going to win.”

            “Yes, I will.”

            “No, you won’t.”

            “Will too.”

            “Will not.”

            “Who says?”

            “Me.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I’m stronger than you are.”

            “No, you’re not.”

            “Yes, I am.”

            “Are not.”

            “Either way, if you push me out I’ll pull you down with me.”

            “I’d like to see you try.”

            Hinata gave Kageyama another hard shove, pushing him out of the bed. At the same time he was falling, he grabbed onto Hinata's wrist, pulling him down with him. Kageyama fell to the floor and Hinata fell on top of him, his legs on both sides of Kageyama and their stomachs pressed together.

            Hinata squealed, his face flushing. He buried his face in Kageyama’s shoulder, too embarrassed and nervous to look up at him. If he did then they would be closer together than they had ever been and he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from kissing Kageyama. If he did that then Kageyama might get upset and leave and because of the weather he may end up hurting himself and that’s the last thing Hinata wants right now. That’s the last thing Hinata wants for Kageyama ever.

            “I don’t you I was stronger than you.”

            Hinata's head shot up.

            “I still pushed you off!” he cried.

            “But I still pulled you down with me.”

            Hinata pouted.

            “Jerk.”

            “Dumbass.”

            Hinata stared at Kageyama, cracking a small smile. He chewed on the inside of his lip as he stared into Kageyama’s bright blue eyes. His heart was pounding heavily and he felt like it was going to leap out of his throat. He found himself leaning down a bit and freaked out, quickly jumping up and scrambling back on the bed.

            “We should look at the snow!” he said loudly.

             Kageyama sighed, nodding at Hinata's comment before sitting up. He got back on the bed, watching as Hinata opened the curtains. They faced the window and Hinata smiled, letting out a pleasant hum as light flooded his bedroom.

            “Snow is pretty.”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “I hate winter, but I love the snow.”

            “Why do you hate winter?”

            “Seasonal depression.”

            “I thought you had… regular?”

            “I do, but it gets worse around wintertime.”

            “Why? Or what happens?” Hinata asked.

            “Heightened feelings of loneliness.”

            “Oh…” he said softly.

            “It sucks because I would like to enjoy my birthday, but with it being at the end of December, it just makes it suck more.”

            “More?”

            “Yeah, I’ve never had a good experience with birthdays.”

            “Why not?”

            Kageyama shrugged. He knew the answer; he just didn’t want to talk about it. He had rarely celebrated his birthdays as a child and even on the few times that he did they were always cut short because one of his parents had to do something for work. He stopped celebrating them at all whenever he was ten because he didn’t think it was worth it anymore.

            “You like the snow though?” Hinata asked.

            Kageyama nodded.

            “I think it’s pretty.”

            “It is.”

            They were quiet for a while and then Hinata grabbed Kageyama's arm.

            “Kageyama!” he cried. “Look at the puppy!”

            Kageyama looked to where Hinata was pointing and found a Siberian husky puppy running through the snow. The dog was small, so it was doing more jumping than walking as it tried to follow its owner, but it looked like it was having fun. The dog would run and then stop, sniff the snow and then jump again, seemingly startled by how cold it was.

            “It’s cute.”

            Hinata smiled and nodded in agreement.

            “I think I have another reason for you.”

            “Snow?”

            Hinata laughed softly.

            “You’re doing a good job at catching on now.” he said. “Yes, snow.”

            “Just because of the puppy?”

            “No, but that’s a good reason too.”

            “Why then?”

            “Well there are lots of reasons. You said you think that snow is pretty so why would you want to let go of something that you think is beautiful?”

            “I said pretty though not beautiful.”

            “Close enough.” Hinata said. “Sometimes whenever it snows you get days off from school and so that allows you to take a little break and give your mind a little rest. Sometimes that’s all we really need anyways, you know? There’s the puppy too and babies, it’s so cute whenever they see snow for the first time. You saw how that puppy got and Natsu was the same. She got so excited whenever she saw snow for the first time. All she wanted to do was go outside and play in the ‘white fluffy stuff.’ I bet it was snowing when you were born too.”

            “It was, but what does that have to do with anything?”

            “It’s special.”

            “Why?”

            “It just is.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes, but let Hinata continue with his explanation anyways.

            “Also, snow is cold so whenever you’re outside you can come inside and bundle up in a warm blanket like we did yesterday and you could drink coffee or hot chocolate or tea. I like tea. Tea warms your insides, but it can also help with calm down anxiety and make your depression a tiny better, at least for a little bit, and it can also help tummy aches.”

            “I thought the reason was snow not tea.”

            “It is, I’m just saying.” Hinata said. “Most of all though, you said that you like snow and why would you ever leave a world that has things you love in it?”

            Kageyama stared at Hinata and sighed softly.

            “Because the things you love don’t always love you back.”

            “Maybe, but you’ll never know if you never ever ask.”


	15. Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, but I'm kinda struggling with writer's block (and some other stuff) again.  
> I hope you like it anyways :)

Kageyama was sitting in the back of math class, his head down on his desk. He’d spent the entire day before at Hinata’s house watching movies and playing with Natsu. He hadn’t wanted to play at first, especially when he found out she wanted him to wear an ugly straw hat and drink imaginary tea, but when she looked at him with her big brown eyes and stuck her lip out he found it impossible to say no.

            She reminded him of Hinata quite a bit. They had the same wild and fiery orange hair except Natsu’s was much more tame than he had ever seen Hinata’s and they had the same big, deep brown puppy dog eyes. Kageyama was sure Hinata could get him to do anything if he gave him the same look that Natsu had given him.

            He had wanted to go outside and play volleyball for a bit, but whenever they asked Hinata’s mom she said no and ushered them back into the other room to keep Natsu busy while she was making lunch. Kageyama didn’t mind too much, he liked being there. They were nice and they made him feel at home and like he was part of a family. It had been years since he felt that way with his own family; a family he wasn’t even sure really fit that word anymore.

            Kageyama sighed as he sat up to pull his math book out of his bag. He set it on his desk, noticing a piece of paper stick out of the corner of his book. He furrowed his eyebrows and pulled it out. He knew he didn’t put it there because he hadn’t even touched his book in three days. He pulled it out and carefully unfolded it so he didn’t rip it just in case it was important. He looked at it, smiling slightly as he saw it was a note from Hinata.

            _Hi Kageyama! I guess you’re in math now as you’re reading this. I didn’t know where else to put this where you would definitely see it but I assumed you would use your book today because Amano Sensei always makes us use our books so that’s why it’s here. I’m in History now (I mean assuming you did find this in math) technically I’m in bed and you’re asleep but don’t worry, I’m not watching you or anything because that’s creepy._

_I check on you every now and then you make sure you’re sleeping okay, but I’m not watching you, I swear. I was just kind of bored because I can’t sleep so I decided to write you a letter. I’m really glad that you’ve been around so much lately. I can’t tell if you’re happy, but it makes me happy to have you around._

_I like spending time with you and having you around. Natsu does too and so much so sometimes I want to yell at her because you’re MY friend and she keep stealing all your time away from me. My mom likes having you around too. She says you’re really nice and well behaved and well-mannered and she likes having another mouth to feet._

_We all like having you around! Which means you should come back again. Come back more often. Come back today! We can stop by your house and get some more clothes for you since none of mine fit you. IT ISNT MY FAULT MY MOM IS SHORT TOO SO I GET HER GENETICS!_

Kageyama couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. He continued reading, leaning his head on his head as he looked down at the paper.

_I came up with your next reason. Letters! Not like A B C D E letters like the alphabet but letters like this. Handwritten letters or love letters or secret letters or all of the above. I mean, who doesn’t like getting letters? We usually text each other or talk in person (which I mean makes sense because that’s what most people do) but hand written letters are really nice to and I think I would like to get one because it just shows someone was thinking about me and someone liked me enough to write a letter to me._

_I like the idea of someone thinking about me or liking me or being around me so much that they went and did something they wouldn’t usually do because of that. It’s nice to think about, isn’t it? And before you ask, yes, that’s partly why I’m writing this letter and I am thinking about you because you’re lying on my floor sleeping AND I’M NOT BEING CREEPY._

_Anyways. Back to the reason. Letters are nice to get and I think they’re a good reason to stay alive because then you can get more letters. Not just from me, but from other friends and family and sometimes you get junk mail letters, but they’re really funny and they can make you laugh and then for a little bit you feel better than you did before._

_I know things are hard and I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through because I don’t and I don’t think that I ever will, but I still want you to know that you’re my best friend and I’m always going to be here for you. I know I don’t give the best advice, but I really do try my best because I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy and healthy and have everything that you want in the world._

_Well, everything except a gold medal in the Olympics because that’s going to me. You can have the silver, but the gold is mine. I’m not just going to give you the gold to make you happy; you’ll have to pry it from my hands. I’ve told you multiple times that I’m going to be the one to beat you and I intend to hold up my end of the bargain._

_Okay it’s three in the morning so I’m going to try and go to sleep again. Goodnight! Wait. You won’t be reading this at night. Good morning? Good afternoon? I don’t know. Okay. I hope you have a good day today. Good luck in math class and I will see you in English and then at volleyball practice!_

_Stay alive. Please. I really do care about you._

_Sincerely, Hinata Shouyou :)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the Day: Does anyone like Twenty One Pilots?


	16. The Olympics

“Did you seriously record the Olympics?”

            “Yes.”

            “That’s weird.”

            “Why?” Kageyama asked.

            “Because… I don’t know! It just is.”

            “Well they only come on every four years.” Kageyama said. “I like to record the volleyball games so that I can watch them again later and practice.”

            “You practice alone?”

            “So do you.”

            “Touché.”

            “You can borrow it if you want to.”

            “Are you sure?”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “We can use it to help us to practice and maybe learn some new moves.”

            Hinata nodded.

            “That sounds good to me.” he smiled.

            Hinata grabbed the DVD and sat back on the couch as he waited for Kageyama. He felt weird being alone in the room like this, but Kageyama had refused to let him see his bedroom so he was left waiting in the living room until Kageyama got some clothes.

            “Ready to go?”

            “Almost, I’m going to get my marshmallows.”

            “Marshmallows?”

            “Shut up.”

            Hinata laughed softly.

            “Only if you share.”

            “Only if you ask nicely.”

            “Please share.”

            “Maybe.”

            Hinata rolled his eyes and laughed, shaking his head fondly.

            “Why am I even staying at your house again?”

            “My mom is making you.”

            “I know, but why?”

            “So you don’t have to stay alone.”

            “What if I want to stay alone?”

            “Do you?”

            “No.”

            “Exactly.”

            Kageyama sighed dramatically.

            “Okay, but I’m only doing this because I like your mom’s cooking.”

            “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

            “Why didn’t she make me come over yesterday?” Kageyama asked.

            “It was because you didn’t come over yesterday that she made me tell you that you have to come over again today.”

            “Why?”

            “Everybody deserves to have a family and if yours can’t be around then we’re happy to be your substitute.”

            Kageyama smiled slightly and picked up his bag.

            “Ready?”

            Hinata nodded and stood up, holding up the DVD.

            “I came up with a new reason.”

            “A digital video disk?”

            “What is that?”

            “DVD.”

            “Wait, that stands for something?”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes.

            “Yes.”

            “I never knew that.”

            “I can tell.”

            Hinata scoffed.

            “Don’t be rude.”

            “Just tell me the reason.”

            “The Olympics.”

            “What about them? Watching them? They only come on every four years.”

            “No, being in them.” he said. “You have always said that it’s your goal to be in the Olympics and like I said in my letter yesterday and shortly after we met I told you that one day I was going to beat you and I still plan to.”

            “How?”

            “We’re going to go to the Olympics together and we’re going to compete against each other and I’m going to win gold. It’s going to happen one day.”

            Kageyama scoffed.

            “There’s no way I’m going to let you win gold. That gold medal is mine.”

            “That’s what you think, but I practice all the time. I’m going to win.”

            “Stop lying.”

            Hinata shook his head and spoke again.

            “You want to go to the Olympics right?”

            “Yes.”

            “Well we’re going to go to one day. Both of us. Whether is on the same team or opposing ones, we’ll make it.” Hinata said. “You just have to stay alive to get there.”


	17. Rain

Kageyama sat on Hinata’s bed, staring outside at the rain. He used to hate rain, it always came at unfortunate times and when it rained then it poured and it ruined all of the plans he had for the day. As he got older though, he started to like it a little bit more. He still hated thunderstorms, they were one of the things he was most afraid of, but he loves rain.

            His favorite kind of rain was the peaceful rain where everything else around is quiet and calm and everything just seems so serene yet also a little sad. It wasn’t an awful kind of sad, but a calming sad. The kind of sad where you’re sad, but you’re still okay. Rain often made everything around him seem sad, but that was one of the reasons he liked it. It reminded him that even nature gets sad sometimes. It made him feel a little less alone.

            “You okay?”

            Hinata’s voice broke through his thoughts and he just nodded, not turning his head away from the window.

            “Thinking?”

            Kageyama nodded again.

            “Do you want to talk about it?”

            “It’s nothing bad.”

            “Promise?”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “I was just thinking about the rain.”

            “What about it?”

            “How everything is so peaceful when it rains.”

            “So you like the rain?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Why?”

            “It makes me feel a little less alone.”

            “Because you feel peaceful?”

            “No, well yes and no.” Kageyama said. “Rain makes everything outside seem sad. The peaceful sad though where it’s both happy and sad at the same time and it doesn’t make sense, but that’s okay because you’re okay.”

            He paused to think over his next words as he listened to the soft pitter-patter of the rain, still not tearing his gaze away from window.

            “It reminds me that even nature gets sad sometimes. That even though everything and everyone around me seems happy, they might not be. It’s not windy outside so trees aren’t swaying and braches aren’t knocking on windows. It seems to be happy, but the rain makes it sad. It’s sad, but it’s okay because like I said, it’s the peaceful kind of sad and not the destructive kind of sad.”

            He paused again.

            “It just reminds me that I’m not alone.” He admitted. “Because even nature is sad sometimes.”

            Hinata leaned his head against Kageyama’s shoulder and looked out the window with him.

            “You’re never alone.” He said. “I want you to know that. I want and need you to know that no matter what happens you do have and will always have me. You are my best friend and nothing is going to change that. I’m always going to be here for you. I keep my phone on every night just in case you need me in the middle of the night or early in the morning. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

            Kageyama just nodded, letting out a small sigh as he leaned over to put his head on top of Hinata’s.

            “I know all of this is hard for you and that it can’t be easy to feel everything that you feel… but…” Hinata trailed off.

            “But?”

            “It hurts me to see you so sad. I’m not trying to make this about me because it’s not, but it makes me sad to see my best friend so sad. I’m going to try my best to help make you happy though. I know there’s a chance I may not succeed, but I’m never going to stop trying.”

            Hinata’s chest clenched as he said the last sentence. Deep down he knew his plan may not work and Kageyama may still go through with his own plan, but he had never admitted it out loud before. He hadn’t even admitted it aloud to himself and now they he had it just made the whole situation seem even more real than it already was.

            To say he was scared was an understatement. He was scared of what would happen to everyone and everything. What would happen to the team without their starting setter? What would they do without a valuable member of their team? What would happen to him? If Kageyama went through with it then he would lose his partner and teammate and his best friend. What would he do? Would he end up developing depression and would it get as bad as Kageyama’s was? He’d never even been sad for longer than a few hours before.

            What would Kageyama do? He seemed to be thinking about this for a long time so did he have a plan as to how he was going to do it? Was it simple or was it complicated? Who was going to find him? Kageyama lived alone so if he did it at home then how would anyone find him? Would his neighbors notice no one had left the house in a long time and call the police? Would the police find him? How would they know it was him without a family member to identify him?

            What worried Hinata the most was how he would find out. Would Kageyama tell him before he did it? Would he just not show up to school one day forcing Hinata to go to his house? Is that how he would be found? Would he be the one to find him? What would he do? What could he do? Could he have stopped him if he was only a little bit earlier?

            “Shouyou?”

            Hinata hadn’t even realized he was crying until Kageyama said his name and tore him away from the inner turmoil all of his thoughts were causing him.

            “It’s okay… I’m okay right now…”

            Hinata didn’t say anything and just shifted, wrapping his arms around Kageyama and hugging him tightly. Kageyama hesitated and then wrapped his arms back around Hinata, pulling him into his chest and holding him tightly.

            “I know your trying really hard to help me and I’m really thankful for that… no one has ever tried so hard to help me before… with anything…”

            Hinata nodded slightly.

            “Rain is your next reason.” He sniffed.

            “Rain?”

            “Yes.” Hinata said, looking up at him. “What you said about it… it makes it seem like rain is a poetic kind of sad. Which, you aren’t. You’re the kind of sad that takes time… but you still relate to rain. You’re different, but alike and that’s a good thing. You said rain makes you feel like you’re not alone so it’s a perfect reason. As long as you have rain then you will never truly feel like you’re alone.”


	18. Puppies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda shitty and I'm sorry

Kageyama and Hinata walked down the sidewalk on their way back to Hinata’s house. Practice had ended a bit early because Daichi was sick and no one was afraid of Sugawara so he couldn’t quite keep everyone in check the same way. Kageyama had noticed that Suga was the only one who wasn’t afraid of Daichi and Daichi was the only one who was afraid of Suga.

            “We should get some ice cream.”

            “Ice cream? It’s too cold for ice cream.”

            “It’s almost spring!” Hinata argued.

            “Yeah, key word there being _almost_ as in close but not quite. Which means it is still winter and thus too cold for us to get ice cream.”

            “Fine then let’s get hot chocolate.”

            “Okay, but you get to pay for it.”

            “Okay.”

            They continued to walk, gently bumping into each other every few seconds in an attempt to nudge the other over and cause them to lose balance. Neither wanted the other to fall or hurt themselves, they just wanted to distract the other long enough to get to the hot chocolate stand first.

            They couldn’t argue or race around at Hinata’s house because his mother always scolded them and Natsu got jealous that Kageyama was playing with Hinata more than he was playing with her. He still didn’t understand why Natsu liked him so much, but he thought it was kind of cute that she was trying so hard to get his attention.

            They got to the hot chocolate stand and Hinata stood up on his toes to see the vendor better. Kageyama laughed softly, covering his mouth in an attempt to muffle the noise. Hinata noticed him anyways, causing him to glare at Kageyama before turning back to order their drinks.

            As they waited for the vendor to make them, Hinata turned back to Kageyama, shoving him gently for making fun of his height a few minutes before. Kageyama opened his mouth to say something, but what interrupted but a loud squeal emitted from Hinata’s mouth.

            “What?” Kageyama asked quickly. “What happened?”

            Hinata squealed again, pointing over to a tall man walking a fat pug. Kageyama laughed softly at the dog who almost seemed to waddle instead of walk due to his short and fat legs.

            “Kageyama!”

            “I know, I see.”

            The man walked over to where they were standing, ordering from the vendor as the dog waddled over and started to sniff at Kageyama's and Hinata's shoes. Hinata knelt down, petting the top of the dog’s head gently. The pug nuzzled against him, letting out a small snort.

            “Kageyama, pet him.” Hinata said, tugging on the dark haired boy’s pants until he knelt down next to him and reached out to pet the dog.

            The pug snorted again, waddling over to Kageyama and rubbing his nose against the palm of his hand. Kageyama smiled, scratching behind Hinata’s ear gently. Animals were always like little kids with him. He never had much luck with them because they always seemed to be afraid of him, but this pug seemed to be just as happy as he currently was.

            “I have another reason for you.”

            “Puppies?”

            “You’re starting to catch on.” Hinata grinned.

            “You can handle the explanation though.”

            Hinata laughed softly and nodded.

            “Well first off there’s just something about dogs that make people happy. Having a dog around is really therapeutic. They can sense when something is off and a lot of the time they’ll come and sit with you until you feel better.”

            “Dogs don’t usually like me though.”

            “But this one does!” Hinata cried. “He’s enjoying all of your attention just like any other puppy would. Don’t you like to pet puppies?”

            “Yes.”

            “And puppies like to be pet! So that’s why they’re a good reason.”

            The dog licked Kageyama’s hand and then waddled off, following behind his owner as he walked away. Hinata stood back up, reaching up to take their drinks from the man. He handed Kageyama one and then started walking again, Kageyama following behind.

            “I guess puppies are nice.” He said.

            “Of course they are.” Hinata said. “Puppies make everything better.”


	19. Flowers

Hinata bounced up the steps of his house, humming happily to himself. He opened his door and walked inside, sliding off his shoes and setting them by the door. He walked to his bedroom, setting his bag down on the floor. He walked over to his desk where Kageyama was sitting working on his History homework. Hinata nudged him gently, making him drag his pencil across the page.

            “Hey!” Kageyama cried.

            “I’m sorry! It was an accident!” Hinata cried. “I just wanted to get your attention. I didn’t mean to make you scribble across the page.”

            Kageyama huffed gently, picking up his eraser to erase the stray mark. He glanced back at Hinata and furrowed his eyebrows.

            “What are you grinning about?” he asked. “And why did you make me come back alone? This isn’t even my house so it was weird. You mom asked me where you were and I had to tell her I didn’t know because you didn’t tell me what you were doing.”

            “That’s because I was doing something for you.”

            “For me?”

            “For you!”

            Kageyama turned in the chair to face Hinata. No one had ever stopped somewhere just to get him something before; not since he was six anyways. His grandmother would stop occasionally to buy him a piece of candy or a balloon, but once she passed away he never got anything from anyone.

            “Why did you get something for me?”

            “Because I wanted to.” Hinata smiled.

            “What did you get?”

            Hinata pulled his hand out from behind his back and held out a yellow rose.

            “I got you a flower.”

            “A flower?”

            “A flower.”

            “Why did you get me a flower?”

            “I was in English class and I looked out the window and I saw a few flowers which means that spring is coming because it’s finally warm enough for flowers to actually grow and I thought about how much girls love getting flowers and how sometimes whenever they confess they’ll give the person they’re confessing to flowers so I thought maybe you would like a flower too.”

            Kageyama did. He had always secretly loved flowers, but he wasn’t going to admit that to anyone any time soon, especially not to Hinata.

            “I wanted to get you one that stood for strength, but I couldn’t find one so I got you a yellow rose because they stand for friendship.”

            They also stood for both intense emotion and undying love, but there was no way he was going to tell Kageyama that. As much as he liked Kageyama and as much as he wanted to tell him, he didn’t want to guilt him into anything by telling him he loved him. He was also a little worried that if he told Kageyama that he liked him then Kageyama would think he wasn’t serious and he was only saying that in a desperate attempt to get him to stay alive.

            “You got me a flower…”

            Kageyama reached out and gently took the flower from Hinata. He could still hardly believe Hinata had actually gone out of his way to buy him something and then on top of that, he actually bought him a flower.

            “Flowers are your next reason too!”

            “What about them?”

            “Well first they’re really pretty and people can always use more beauty in their lives. There are so many different kinds and colors of flowers and even if you never get any from anyone, they’re still really nice to look at. Like blue roses! Blue roses are really pretty and even if I never got one, I would still be happy just looking at them.” Hinata said. “It’s nice to get flowers too. My dad used to give them to my mom a lot and they always made her happy and Daichi-san gave Sugawara-san one at school once and it made him happy and I hope that this one made you happy too. Flowers are just really nice and I just think that they make life a lot better.”

            “They are nice…” Kageyama said softly.

            He stared at his flower, his heart warming slightly and stomach twisting at the fact that Hinata had actually bought him a flower. He knew most people gave them to the person they were dating, but he didn’t care, getting one still made him happy.

            For the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful. Maybe Hinata was right. Maybe some things really were worth living for.


	20. Pictures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question of the Day: Who is your favorite character in Haikyuu?
> 
> I have a bunch (obviously) but if I had to pick then mind would be Yamaguchi.

“Kageyama-kun, how are you feeling this morning?”

            “I’m okay, thank you. How are you?”

            “I’m doing well.” She smiled. “Would you like some miso soup?”

            “Yes, please.”

            She started to fix him a bowl, humming softly to herself.

            “Shouyou should be up shortly. He tends to sleep in on the weekends, but he shouldn’t be too long.” She said. “I always wake Natsu up after I fix breakfast and she ends up waking him up.”

            “It’s okay.”

            She handed him the bowl and Kageyama smiled.

            “Thank you.”

            She nodded and kissed his head gently.

            “You’re welcome, dear. I’ll be back in a moment.”

            Kageyama nodded, slowly starting to eat. Hinata’s mom left the room to go wake up Natsu, returning a few minutes later with the little girl clinging to her side. She set her in a chair then moved to get her a bowl of soup. Natsu leaned over to Kageyama, poking his hand gently.

            “Toby.” She whispered. “Toby, oni-chan likes you.”

            Kageyama smiled at her and nodded.

            “I know, I like him too. That’s why we’re friends.”

            “No no no.” she said. “Oni-chan likes you how daddy like mommy.”

            Kageyama dropped his spoon, causing a loud clatter to echo through the room. His face flushed and he quickly apologized, picking it up and going back to eating. He ignored Natsu, unable to even think of a proper or appropriate response to what she said.

            Was she telling the truth? And if she was, how did she even know? Kageyama was sure that who he did and didn’t have feelings for wasn’t something that he would tell his seven year old sister. He didn’t think that was something Hinata would even tell his mother so Natsu wouldn’t have even been able to overhear him say that.

            “Don’t mind her, she just likes your attention.” Hinata’s mother said. “Shouyou doesn’t spend much time with her so she liked that you have.”

            Kageyama smiled and nodded.

            “I kind of like to.” He said softly. “I’m an only child and I’m either a lot older or a lot younger than all of my cousins so I never had anyone around like her. I guess she’s a lot younger too, but she doesn’t have anyone her age either and all of my cousins had each other.”

            She was about to say something more when Hinata walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

            “Morning…” he mumbled, sitting down at the table.

            His mom got him a bowl of soup, setting it down in front of him and leaning down to kiss his head just as she had done to Kageyama before.

            “Kageyama, did you sleep okay?”

            The dark haired boy nodded. His cheeks were flushed a light shade of pink, unable to get what Natsu had said out of his mind. What if she was right? Did that mean he would actually have a chance with Hinata?

            “You okay?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Are you sure?”

            Kageyama shoved his spoon back into his mouth to avoid answering the question. Hopefully the food would distract Hinata long enough to where he would forget what they were talking about and Kageyama could calm down before his secret came out.

            Hinata started to eat and Kageyama relaxed, knowing that now everything would quiet down and they could focus on eating instead of talking. He ate mostly quietly, only speaking whenever Hinata’s mother would ask him questions about various things.

            After they finished he went into the living room where Hinata’s game console was set up so they could play. He walked over to the mantle, looking at all of the pictures that were sitting there. There were some of just Hinata, some of just Natsu, and a few of the both of them together. Hanging on the wall there was also a long picture frame with multiple pictures in it, all of which appeared to be of Hinata as a baby or a toddler.

            As much as Kageyama hated to admit it, Hinata was an adorable baby. He still didn’t look too bad now, he was cute even, but that was something Kageyama was trying his hardest _not_ to admit. Even to himself. Once he admitted that, he would have to admit to everything else he was feeling as well.

            “I was a pretty cute baby, huh?”

            Kageyama turned his head, watching as Hinata walked in, coming over to the mantle to join him.

            “This one is my favorite.”

            Hinata pointed to one of the pictures. He was sitting in a high chair, his face and hands covered in cake.

            “Dad thought it was a good idea to put the cake in front of me. Mom tried to tell him not to, but he said I was finally a year old so I should get to have my cake. Well, clearly not only did I have my cake, but I also bathed in it.”

            Kageyama laughed softly.

            “It’s funny.” He said.

            Hinata smiled, nodding in agreement.

            “My mom likes to take pictures. She has dozens of photo albums somewhere around here. They’re probably all boxed up though so don’t go getting any ideas about looking at him.”

            Kageyama held his hands up.

            “I wasn’t planning anything.”

            “Good.”

            They were quiet for a bit and Kageyama continued to look at all of the pictures. He liked how they were set up in the order they were taken so anyone who looked at them could see the age progression of both children.

            “Pictures.” Hinata announced. “Reason number nineteen.”

            “Why?”

            “Because they can remind you of happier times or…” He trailed off, letting out a small sigh. “Sometimes pictures are bad. They show what we lost instead of what we have at the current moment. They hurt us and make us sad or make us cry instead of making us happy like they’re meant to.”

            He turned to look at Kageyama.

            “Please don’t become someone else that I’ve lost.”


	21. Hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues ready.

Kageyama was lying on the floor of Hinata's bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. It had been over twenty four hours since he and Hinata had been looking at the pictures and he still couldn’t get what Hinata had said out of his head.

            “ _Please don’t become someone else that I’ve lost.”_

Who had Hinata meant? Who was it that he had lost? Hinata never talked much about his family besides his mom and his sister so Kageyama didn’t know if he meant someone in his family or if it was a friend. Did Hinata lose someone to suicide before? Is that was he was trying so hard to get him to stay alive.

            Kageyama sighed heavily. He wanted to ask, he wanted to climb onto the bed with him and talk to him and figure everything out. He wanted to know. He wanted to help Hinata just like Hinata was helping him.

            Kageyama groaned, the noise much louder than he had intended for it to be. He heard Hinata giggle softly and he sat up, looking over at him and pouting.

            “Are you okay?” he asked.

            “No, you’re making fun of me.”

            “I was not!” Hinata cried. “I thought it was cute.”

            Kageyama blushed and looked away.

            “S-shut up.” He mumbled.

            Hinata giggled again, shaking his head fondly at Kageyama. He was a bit embarrassed himself because he hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but he didn’t regret saying it. He meant it. He really did think that noise Kageyama made was cute.

            “Hinata.” Kageyama said. “What did you mean yesterday about losing someone? I haven’t been able to get it out of my head and I’m worried because if you’re not doing well either then you shouldn’t be focusing only on me. You should let somebody else help you because I don’t want you to be sad.”

            He sighed softly. He hadn’t meant to say all of that out loud, but it was too late to take it back now. He was learning he did much better at saying his feelings whenever he was worried or frustrated and juts blurted them all out without thinking about it.

            Hinata sighed softly.

            “I was worried you were going to ask me that.”

            “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…”

            “No, it’s okay.” Hinata said. “You’ve been honest with me through everything so it’s only right that I’m honest with you.”

            “Only if you’re ready to talk about it. I won’t force you”

            “It’s okay. I think I am.”

            He patted the bed next to him and Kageyama got up, moving and sitting down next to him. He turned to face Hinata, crossing his legs so he could sit in a more comfortable position.

            “Not a lot of people know about this because it’s just not easy for any of us to talk about… my friends from primary school know, but only because we knew each other at the time and they knew him too.” Hinata began.

            He sighed, shifting slightly. He’d never told anyone about this before so sitting here and talking to Kageyama was a bit nerve wrecking for him.

            “My dad was in the Navy, he used to be. He was never active duty so he was never on the frontlines and fighting, but he was still there and he still had other chances to get hurt. He was somewhere else, Germany I think, so he was always away and we never got to see him very often. We wrote letters and we could Skype him sometimes and mom got to talk to him on the phone like once a month.”

            Hinata paused, looking down and pulling at a loose string on his blanket. Kageyama reached out, taking his hand gently.

            “Take your time.” he said softly.

            Hinata nodded, sniffling softly. He pulled his hand away to rub his eyes and then dropped it back into his lap. Kageyama took it again, slowly rubbing his thumb over Hinata's knuckles in an attempt to calm him down.

            “It was Christmastime and my dad was finally going to get to come home for the first time since June. He packed up and he bought his ticket and he left the base and he got on the plane and the plane took off and…”

            Hinata let out a choked sob.

            “And he never made it home.”

            As soon as the words left his mouth Hinata started crying. He’d never told anyone this before and he didn’t think it would even be that hard to talk about it. It had been five years and he was sure it wouldn’t hurt him as bad as it used to, but that clearly wasn’t the case.

            “W-what happened?”

            Kageyama was scared to ask the question especially because Hinata was crying now and he didn’t want to make it worse, but he hadn’t said how it happened so he was curious.

            “The plane crashed. Only two people survived.”

            Kageyama’s chest tightened. Was Hinata's dad one of them? Did he have survivor’s guilt and kill himself? Is that why Hinata was trying so hard?”

            “My dad’s best friend was one of them… and he told my mom that whenever the plan started going down… all he wanted to do was call us and tell us he loved us.”

            He let out a loud wail and Kageyama quickly wrapped his arms around Hinata and pulled him close. He hugged him tightly, holding him to his chest. He didn’t do well with people crying so he didn’t know how to help Hinata.

            Hinata grabbed onto Kageyama and he slowly raised a hand to rub his back. That always made him feel better so he was hoping it would make Hinata feel better too. He didn’t want to have to leave him to go get his mom.

            “At least you know he loves you though…” Kageyama said softly.

            Hinata nodded.

            “That’s the one thing I’m glad about…” he said softly. “It still hurts so much though… he was about to die and he only cared about us…”

            “How did your dad’s best fried take it all?”

            “He killed himself two months later. He couldn’t take it all. He got really depressed and he had really bad survivor’s guilt and he took his own life…”

            Kageyama held Hinata tighter. No wonder he was adamant about helping Kageyama. He knew how much death tore people apart.

            “I’m sorry…” he said softly.

            “I miss him a lot…”

            “I know…”

            He squeezed Hinata gently, not saying anything else. He knew sometimes the best thing to say was nothing at all. People don’t always want to be told things, they don’t always want someone to try and make them better. Sometimes all people want and all they need is someone to sit there with them and remind them that they aren’t alone; that someone’s there and they care.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “What? Why are you sorry?” Kageyama asked.

            He felt like he should be the one apologizing. He was the one that made Hinata relive the whole situation. He was the reason Hinata was crying now.

            “I got snot all over your shirt.”

            Kageyama laughed softly.

            “It’s okay. There’s been worse fluid on this shirt.”

            “Ew, you’re gross, Kageyama.”

            “I meant blood!” he argued.

            “Mhm, I’m sure you did.”

            “I did!”

            “Whatever you say, Kageyama.”

            Kageyama huffed and Hinata laughed, pulling away to look up at him.

            “Reason number twenty.”

            Kageyama raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure where Hinata was going with this and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. He was also surprised that even with him feeling as bad as he did, he was still willing to come up with a reason to help Kageyama. Kageyama was sure Hinata was one of the most selfless people he knew.

            “Hugs!” Hinata cried. “Hugs are nice and they can be small like side hugs or big like bear hugs and they can be lose or tight and you can squeeze the person to hug them even more. They can also be really quick or really long like when you’re trying to make someone feel better. Hugs also make you feel better when you’re sad because they’re like the person is saying ‘hey, I love you enough to hold you really tightly for a little while’ and I just think that’s really nice.”

            Kageyama pulled Hinata back in and hugged him tightly, nodding his head against the smaller boys shoulder. He was right. They were nice and being hugged did make him feel better. Hinata smiled and squeezed Kageyama gently.

            “I’ll always be around to hug you.” he whispered.


	22. Confessions

“Why is everyone getting confessed to?”

            “It’s spring so all the baby animals are going to be born soon and everyone is in a romantic mood.”

            “Valentine’s Day is over though.”

            “I know, but people are still in romantic moods.”

            “Why?”

            “How am I supposed to know?”

            “Well you seem to have an answer for everything else.”

            “True.”

            “So modest.” Kageyama said, rolling his eyes.

            “Yachi told me she got confessed to after school on Friday.”

            “What did she do?”

            “She got scared and ran away.”

            “Why?”

            “She said he looked angry.”

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah.”

            “Didn’t you say she was dating Kiyoko-san anyways?”

            “No, they aren’t dating. Yachi just has a crush on her. I don’t think Kiyoko-san is dating anyone.”

            “I think a lot of people would change that if they could.”

            “Like Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san.”

            “I think they would be more likely to try and prevent her from dating someone than actually date her themselves.”

            Kageyama shrugged, sighing softly as he sat down at the picnic table to eat lunch. Hinata’s mom had made them both lunch and she had even packed him an extra milk carton because she knew he always bought one at lunch anyways.

            “Confessions.”

            “What?”

            “That’s your next reason.”

            “Why?”

            “Because that means someone told you they like you.”

            Kageyama scoffed.

            “Nobody likes me.”

            “How do you know that?”

            “If they did then why won’t they tell me? Why didn’t they tell me on Valentine’s Day like everyone else was doing?”

            “Maybe they’re just shy.”

            Kageyama shook his head.

            “People think I’m scary, nobody likes me.”

            “You don’t know that.”

            “I do.”

            Hinata sighed softly, shaking his head at Kageyama.

            “What?”

            “You’re very pessimistic.”

            “Why do you say that?”

            “Because you’re so sure that nobody likes you just because they haven’t told you, but some people are shy. Some people are scared to confess because they don’t want to be rejected. Some people keep confessions to themselves for other reasons.”

            “Like what?”

            “Like maybe the person is already dating someone so they have to keep it to themselves so they don’t ruin a relationship.”

            “That’s not the case for me.”

            “I know, I’m just saying that there are reasons why someone might not confess even if they do like you.”

            “You said if. That means someone doesn’t.”

            Hinata sighed heavily, rolling his eyes at Kageyama.

            “I know for a fact that someone likes you.”

            Kageyama’s head shot up to look at Hinata.

            “What?” he asked. “Who?”

            “I can’t tell you that.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because it’s a secret.”

            “Why didn’t they confess to me?”

            “They have their reasons.”

            “I guess you can’t tell me those either?”

            Hinata shook his head.

            “Sorry.”

            “Why did you even tell me then?”

            “Because you were so sure that no one liked you just because you haven’t been told. I was trying to prove to you that wasn’t the case. Sometimes people just can’t tell the person they like that they like them, but it doesn’t mean that they like them any less. It doesn’t take away from the fact that they really do like and care about the person.”

            Kageyama sighed and looked back down at his food.

            “Why do you go through all of this work just for me? I’m not even worth it.”

            Hinata stopped for a second, glancing up at Kageyama.

            “It’s you…” he said softly. “You’re always worth it.”


	23. Cherry Blossoms

“Kageyama!”

            Kageyama jumped slightly as Hinata's loud voice.

            “What?”

            “Look!”

            He pointed across the street to a park and Kageyama furrowed his eyebrows. He didn’t see anything out of the ordinary and no one was walking a dog so he couldn’t be talking about that again.

            “What?”

            “The cherry blossom tree!”

            Kageyama looked up again, looking back to the tree. It had just begun to bloom and soon it would be covered in the light pink flowers.

            “It’s blooming.”

            Hinata smiled and nodded.

            “I’m so excited. I love cherry blossoms.”

            “So do I. They’re so pretty.”

            “I hate that they don’t last very long though.”

            Kageyama nodded in agreement.

            “Maybe it’s a good thing though.” Hinata said.

            “How?”

            “It shows that nothing lasts forever and that’s why they’re you’re next reason.”

            “Cherry blossoms?’

            “Yes.”

            “Okay, elaborate please.”

            “Well first off they’re so pretty and like I told you before, everyone could use more beauty in their lives especially whenever they’re flowers. Second, it shows that spring is coming and the weather is warming up and lots of baby animals will be born. There’s also the cherry blossom festival and that’s always really fun to go to.” He paused. “We should go together this year.”

            “Like a date?”

            Hinata tried to ignore the tugging in his heart whenever Kageyama said the word date. He would love for them to go on a date, but he still didn’t think he could tell Kageyama that. He wasn’t even sure why Kageyama had asked that because he had never called it a date before whenever they went places together.

            “Like two people going to enjoy the cherry blossom festival together.”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “Okay.”

            “Now back to what I was saying. The blossoms also represent a time of renewal and rebirth. It mostly means that for nature, but it can also mean the same thing for life. Lots of babies are born in spring and the tournament for volleyball starts in spring and so do other sports. Spring signifies a new start, a new beginning.” Hinata said.

            “But the blossoms fall two weeks later.”

            “I know,” Hinata said. “I was reading about them for a school project one time and it says that they also represent both the beauty and the fragility of life. The flowers are so overwhelmingly beautiful and in my opinion, life is too. It’s easy to get caught up in the things that we find beautiful and in the things and even the people that we love. The blossoms falling show us that while life may be beautiful, it’s also short. You have to take what you can get because before you know it, it could all be over and you don’t get a second chance.”

            “How do you do that?”

            “Do what?”

            “Make tragic things sound beautiful.”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “It just happens, I guess.”

            “You’re really good at it though.”

            “Thank you.”

            The two continued to walk along, staying silent for a while until they came across another blooming tree, making Hinata speak up again.

            “I think that they’re also good for symbolizing faith.”

            “How do they symbolize faith?”

            “The same way they symbolize rebirth and renewal.” Hinata said. “I already told you that they represent the fragility of life because they fall, but because they are there they represent life and renewal.”

            “I don’t really understand what you’re saying.” Kageyama said.

            “What happens every year?”

            “Holidays?”

            “Well, yes, but more specifically.”

            “Seasons?”

            “That’s not more specific.” Hinata said. “What have we been talking about?”

            “Cherry blossoms.”

            Hinata nodded.

            “The cherry blossoms are here every single year, right?”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “They bloom and then they stay around for two weeks and then they fall off the tree, but they always come back the next year.” he said.

            “Exactly.” Hinata said. “Despite standing for fragility and showing us that life is short and despite them falling off after two weeks and sometimes even soon if it’s really windy, the cherry blossoms still return every year. They still come back and they still bloom and they’re still here and we still celebrate it. If there aren’t as many blossoms as there was the year before, we still celebrate. If there are three times as many blossoms as there was the year before, we still celebrate. No matter what happens and no matter how many bloom and how long they last we still celebrate and they still mean the same thing.”

            “How does that symbolize faith?” Kageyama asked.

            “Because no matter how few bloom and no matter how quickly they disappear, we always have faith that they’ll come back the next year.”

            “That’s a good way of thinking about things…” Kageyama said softly.

            “And just like I believe in the blossoms, I also believe in you.” Hinata said. “No matter how bad things get, I know you’ll be able to make it though.”


	24. Naps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most of these chapters have been short, but some things are hard to elaborate a lot on.  
> I hope you're all enjoying them anyways!

Kageyama woke up to the sound of someone shuffling around and moving things. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times before his vison came back fully and he was able to see what was going on.

            Hinata was walking around his room, picking up things on the floor and organizing his desk. When he noticed Kageyama watching him, he smiled and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to him.

            “Did I wake you up?”

            “Kinda. I was mostly awake anyways though so it’s okay.”

            Hinata nodded.

            “How did you sleep?”

            “Good.”

            “Is your headache gone?”

            Kageyama nodded.

            “I feel a lot better now. I’m kind of hungry though.”

            “Mom’s making dinner now.”

            “What’s she making?”

            “Katsudon.” Hinata said. “Does that sound good?”

            Kageyama started to answer, but was cut off by his stomach growling loudly. Hinata laughed, making Kageyama pout.

            “I guess it sounds really good.” He teased.

            Kageyama shoved him gently.

            “Don’t be mean to me. I haven’t eaten since lunch.”

            “I haven’t either.”

            “I know, but sleeping makes me hungry.”

            “You’re weird.”

            Kageyama shrugged and sat up, leaning back on his arms for support.

            “What did you do while I was sleeping?”

            “I did my homework because tonight is movie night.”

            “It took you that long to do homework?” Kageyama asked.

            “No, I did homework and helped Natsu with hers and then I came in here to clean my room and that’s when you woke up.”

            “Are you going to help me with mine too?” Kageyama joked.

            Hinata scoffed.

            “No, do your own homework.”

            “That’s mean. What if I need help?”

            “Sorry.”

            Kageyama shook his head and Hinata laughed softly.

            “I have today’s reason for you.”

            “What is it?”

            “Naps.”

            “Okay, I have to hear your reasoning for this.”

            “I always tell you my reasoning.”

            “Shut up.”

            Hinata laughed and sat up a bit straighter before speaking.

            “You took a nap because you didn’t feel well and whenever you woke up you felt better so that’s one good thing about naps right there. I know naps don’t cure everything, but they do help with headaches. You can also take a nap with someone else and cuddle up next to them and then you’re all warm and happy. If you nap late enough then once you wake up dinner will be ready or even in your case, it’ll be almost ready.”

            “You have reasons for everything.”

            Hinata grinned.

            “You know it.”


	25. Movies

“What movie do you want to watch?”

            “I thought yesterday was movie night?”

            “It was, but we’re watching one tonight too.”

            “Why?”

            “Just because we can.”

            “What a great reason.”

            “Are you being sarcastic?”

            “No.”

            Hinata stared at Kageyama, narrowing his eyes gently.

            “Okay, maybe a little.”

            “Aha!” Hinata cried. “Just for that, I’m picking the movie.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes, but didn’t bother to argue. He sat down on the couch, smiling slightly as Natsu got off the chair and ran over to him. She climbed up onto the couch and sat next to him, taking his hand and starting to play with his fingers.

            Hinata put in the movie and then walked to the couch and sat down on Kageyama’s other side. He glanced at Natsu, silently hoping she would go away or fall asleep quickly so he could have Kageyama all to himself and wouldn’t have to share him with her.

            “What movie are we watching?”

            “Zootopia.”

            “Is that the one about the bunny?”

            Hinata nodded.

            “It’s a cute movie. I really like it.”

            “Of course you do.”

            “Shut up.”

            “Make me.”

            “I can.”

            “Oh really?”

            “Yes.”

            “And just how do you expect to do it?”

            “I can’t say with Natsu here.”

            Kageyama raised his eyebrows and Hinata blushed.

            “Shut up and watch the movie.” He mumbled.

            “You started it.”

            Hinata stuck his tongue out at Kageyama, leading Kageyama to shove him gently. Hinata fell over onto the arm of the couch dramatically and Kageyama rolled his eyes.

            “You’re so lame.”

            “You’re the one who’s friends with me.”

            “So?”

            “So you’re lame by association.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes and Hinata laughed, sitting back up and leaning his head onto Kageyama's shoulder.

            “Next reason.”

            “Go for it.”

            “Movies.” Hinata said. “There are movies for every kind of mood. If you’re sad and want to cry then there are sad movies. If you’re happy or sad and want to laugh then there are comedies to keep you happy or to cheer you up. If you’re feeling romantic then you can watch a romantic comedy and if it’s a holiday then there are usually movies on tv for you to watch that go along with the holiday. There is no mood that you’re in that at least one movie can’t fit.”

            Kageyama hummed softly, nodding at what he said.

            “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

            Hinata glanced up at Kageyama and smiled.

            “I always am.”


	26. Cuddling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi so I'm back again. I'm sorry I'm always gone for so long.  
> Stuff happens and things get bad. I wanted to write this past weekend, but honestly my depression got really bad and I started contemplating suicide again.  
> I'm trying, but life isn't like fanfiction and not everyone has someone like Hinata to tell them why life is worth living.
> 
> The good news is I have the rest of this story planned out (and most of it written) so I should be updating a lot.

Hinata was lying in bed staring up at his ceiling. He and Kageyama had been playing video games for the past three hours and they were still in the middle of a game, but Kageyama had gotten hungry so they paused the game so he could go downstairs and find a snack.

            Hinata was starting to get more frustrated with himself and his feelings. He still wanted to tell Kageyama how he felt, but he knew if he did that then it would only cause more trouble for Kageyama. He would feel like he couldn’t do anything because whatever he did would only hurt Hinata. He didn’t want to guilt Kageyama into staying alive; he wanted him to stay alive on his own accord.

            “I brought pocky and wasabi peas and onion rings and shrimp chips.”

            “Do you plan to eat my weight in snacks or something?”

            “I didn’t know what you would want!” Kageyama argued.

            “I told you whatever was fine.”

            “I know and everything sounded good and I didn’t know which you would like best so I just got them all.”

            “Where did you even find pocky?”

            “In the back of the pantry.”

            “Gross, that’s probably a year old.”

            “Pocky is pocky, I would eat it if it was six years old.”

            “You’re gross.”

            Kageyama shrugged and sat back down on the bed.

            “I also brought water, coke, and tea.”

            “How the hell did you even carry all of that?”

            “The snacks were easy; I just tucked most of them into my waistband. Except the pocky which I carried tucked under my chin. Then I carried the bottles in my arms against my side and the mugs of tea in my hand. They’re on your desk because I needed to put something down.”

            “Sorry, I stopped listening after you said the snacks touched your dick.”

            “They did not!” Kageyama cried.

            “You said you put them in your pants.”

            “I said I put them in my waistband.”

            “Same thing.”

            “No it’s not. Nothing in here has touched my dick.” Kageyama said. “Which reminds me, I can’t believe you said dick; you never say dick.”

            “You don’t know me.”

            “I do know you, that’s how I know you never say dick.”

            Hinata stuck his tongue out at Kageyama, making him retaliate by throwing the bag of shrimp chips at him.

            “Jerk.”

            “Dumbass.”

            “Dick.”

            “Good job.”

            Hinata snorted.

            “You’re weird.”

            “Shut up and eat.”

            “Make me.”

            “I’m not going to force feed you, I’m not that mean.”

            “Aha, so you do admit you’re mean.”

            “Shut up.”

            “Make me.”

            Kageyama just ignored him, opening up the bag of chips. He waited for a moment then threw one at Hinata.

            “Hey! What was that for?”

            Kageyama shrugged and reached down, picking up one of the bottle of coke.

            “Drink?”

            Hinata nodded, taking it from Kageyama.

            “Thanks.”

            He opened it and took a sip, closing it back and putting it down on the bed. Kageyama took the other one, repeating Hinata's actions.

            “Why did you even make tea?”

            “In case you wanted a warm drink.”

            “I’m fine now, but you’re probably going to need it after eating all this junk.”

            “It’s a good thing I made it then.”

            Hinata rolled his eyes, reaching for the back and taking a few chips.

            “What do you want to do after this?” Kageyama asked. “Do you still want to play more video games?”

            “Maybe. I don’t know. It’s already like 1:00 in the morning.”

            Kageyama shifted, moving back to sit against the wall. He motioned for Hinata to join him and the bright haired boy nodded, grabbing the water bottles off the floor before moving to sit back next to Kageyama. He changed the channel, putting on the movie so they would have something else to do while they ate.

            Hinata reached for another chip and Kageyama held the bag out, letting him take a few before putting the bag between them. Hinata took that as a chance to move a bit closer to him, leaning his head on Kageyama's shoulder as he snacked on the chips. Kageyama hesitated and then leaned his head on top of Hinata's.

            “I have another reason for you.”

            Kageyama finished what he was chewing then hummed softly.

            “What is it?”

            “Cuddling.”

            “What? Why?”

            “Why not?” Hinata asked. “Cuddling is nice. You can cuddle with dogs and cats and siblings and babies. It doesn’t always have to be romantic or anything either. We’re cuddling right now. Sort of.”

            “How?”

            “We’re sitting close enough to be cuddling and I’m leaning against you and you’re leaning back into me and that’s pretty much all of what cuddling is.”

            “But why is it a reason?”

            “Because being close to someone is always nice. Maybe it’s not always romantic, maybe it’s platonic sometimes, but it’s still nice to have someone that you’re close to emotionally or friendship wise to the point where they’re always willing to sit close to you and hold you when you’re sick or sad or just sit close and lean against each other and watch movies.”

            “Okay.”

            “Do you believe me?”

            “I mean, you didn’t really say anything that would be a lie or make it seem like you’re not being serious so I can’t really not believe you.”

            “What?” Hinata asked. “That didn’t make any sense.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes.

            “Yes, I believe you.” he said. “What you said makes sense.”

            “So you agree?”

            “I just said that.”

            “No, you just said you believe me.”

            “Same thing.”

            “No it’s not.”

            “I’m going to punch you.”

            “It’s not nice to threaten people.”

            “It’s not a threat, it’s a promise.”

            “Oo balls.”

            “What?”

            “I don’t know.”

            “You’re weird.”

            “Maybe a little.”


	27. Hand Holding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: What is your favorite anime?

“Why are we going to the park?”

            “Why not?”

            “You are so bad at giving me answers.”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “It’s more fun this way.”

            “I hate you so much.”

            “If you hate me then why do you spend so much time with me?”

            “You don’t give me a choice.”

            “So are you saying if I gave you a choice then you wouldn’t spend time with me?”

            “I mean, you are kind of forcing me to stay at your house.”

            “I am not.”

            “I tried to leave one time and your mom yelled at me. I seriously feared for my life for a second.”

            “What can I say? She likes you.”

            “I don’t know why.”

            “That doesn’t answer my question though.” Hinata said. “If she didn’t stop you and I didn’t stop you then would you really not spend time with me?”

            “We still go to school together and we’re on the same volleyball team.”

            “Stop avoiding the question.”

            “If I wasn’t staying with you then I would just be home alone.”

            “Answer the question.”

            “Fine!” Kageyama cried. “Yes, I would still be spending time with you!”

            “Ha! I knew you loved me.”

            “You wish.”

            Hinata shrugged, choosing not to say anything else.

            “So what are we doing here again?”

            “Taking a walk.”

            “Why?”

            “Because my mom wanted us out of the house.”

            “Why? We don’t do anything.”

            “That’s exactly why.”

            “But why did we come to the park? You didn’t even bring a volleyball.”

            “I know. I wanted to be a kid again.”

            “So what are we doing?”

            “Going to the playground.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes.

            “Loser.”

            “Shut up, you’ll love it.”

            Without thinking, Hinata grabbed Kageyama's hand and started pulling him towards the swing set. He laced their fingers together, tugging his hand gently.

            “Stop walking so fast.”

            “Sorry.”

            Hinata slowed down, letting Kageyama catch up and walk next to him again. He was pleasantly surprised when Kageyama didn’t pull away.

            “AHA!”

            Kageyama jumped.

            “What the hell, Hinata?”

            Hinata blushed.

            “I just came up with another reason.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes.

            “You asshole, you just about gave me a heart attack.”

            “I’m sorry! I got excited!”

            “Whatever. What’s the reason?”

            “Hand holding.”

            “You made my heart stop for hand holding?”

            “I’m sorry!” Hinata cried. “I got excited.”

            “You’re such a child.”

            “Don’t be rude.”

            “Shut up and explain the reason.”

            “You see, I would, but if you want me to shut up then I can’t explain.”

            “I am going to throw you into the fucking pond.”

            “Okay, okay! I’ll explain.”

            “Thank you.”

            “Hand holding is great to begin with because you get to be close to somebody.”

            “What is with you and being close?” Kageyama asked, rolling his eyes.

            “Shut up and let me finish.”

            Kageyama huffed, but stayed quiet to let him talk anyways.

            “Hand holding is like cuddling for your hands! And it can also be romantic or platonic and it’s always so nice when babies or little kids grab your hands and want to hold onto them. Natsu likes to do that a lot like when we’re crossing the street and it just makes me happy because she trusts me enough to hold onto her and keep her safe while we’re walking.” Hinata said. “I just think it’s cute. Maybe you hate it, but I think it’s nice and I think it’s one of the good things in life. Life really is good whenever you have things to look forward to or things that you like. I know that it gets hard, but that’s why having people you’re close to is nice. You know they’re always going to be there for you and it’s nice to have a hand to hold. Literally and figuratively.”

            “If I hated it I wouldn’t be holding yours right now.” Kageyama mumbled.

            Hinata smiled, a bright blush forming on his cheeks. He was glad Kageyama didn’t hate it.


	28. Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My best friend has been making fun of me today because a lot of the anime that I have seen is sports anime and he kept telling me I should "broaden my tastes" and I know he's partly joking but it still hurts a little.

It was a particularly bad day for Kageyama. The weekend hadn’t been so bad and he had barely spent a second away from Hinata, but Monday was back and Monday meant school and school wasn’t something Kageyama was a fan of.

            It had been a bad day at school and he’d had an usually off day at practice and he just wanted to curl up in bed and hide himself away from the world for a little while. He was attempting to do just that, laying on the futon on Hinata's bedroom floor with the blanket over his head, when there was a loud knock on the door followed by Natsu’s voice.

            He heard the door open and her small footsteps walk across the room. She poked him gently, trying to get him to get up.

            “Toby?” she whispered. “Toby, are you okay?”

            “Natsu,” Hinata whispered. “He’s sleeping.”

            “But I wanna play.”

            “Not now. We’ll play with you later.”

            “Promise?”

            “Promise.”

            Natsu patted Kageyama gently.

            “Feel better Toby.” She whispered.

            He heard her walk away then the door shut.

            “Sorry.” Hinata said.

            Kageyama didn’t answer. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t even want to breathe. He hated everything. He hated himself and he hated being alive and he hated failing school and he hated Hinata for making him feel like the way that he did. He hated having feelings for him. He hated being in love. He wanted to feel like he did during Hinata's first match, when they first met. He wanted to hate him. He wanted to hate him almost as much as he hated himself.

            “Kageyama…” Hinata said softly.

            He got up, walking over to him and kneeling down on the floor. He put his hand on him, gently. He didn’t want to startle him or make him upset, but he wanted Kageyama to know that he was there.

            “Hey… you okay?”

            Kageyama didn’t answer and Hinata groaned softly.

            “That was a stupid question, wasn’t it? Obviously you’re not okay because if you were then you wouldn’t be hiding. I’m sorry. I’m not helping anything. I need you to be okay so you can call me a dumbass for rambling and being stupid and not having the right words to say.”

            He sighed softly.

            “It’s kind of funny… not funny haha but more funny ridiculous because for almost a whole month now I’ve been here for you and I’ve been giving you reasons to stay alive and trying to tell you things that make life worth it and now when you need me the most I keep messing everything up and I can’t figure out what to say.”

            He laid down on the floor, pulling the blanket up and peeking in at Kageyama.

            “I’m still going to try though.”

            He reached out and took Kageyama's hand, pulling it away from his face and holding it gently in his own. His heart broke at the sight of Kageyama's puffy and bloodshot eyes.

            “I lo—”

            He stopped. He almost told Kageyama he loved him.

            “Graduation.” Hinata said softly. “I know you don’t really care about it and I know neither of us are that great in school, but graduation is still something to look forward to. You’ll get to walk across the stage and you’ll get a cake and won’t ever have to deal with high school again. You’ll get to go to university and be on an even better volleyball team and play more schools and you’ll be one step closer to being in the Olympics.”

            He looked up at Kageyama, managing a small smile.

            “You’re going to do big things.” He said. “You’re going to go places. You’ll be in the Olympics and I’ll get to see you on tv and I can tell everybody that we were best friends in high school. You’re going to make it. If anyone I know has the ability to make it to the Olympics then it’s you, Kageyama. I have faith in you.”

            Hinata paused, staring at him and giving his hand a soft squeeze. He wanted Kageyama to believe him. He needed Kageyama to believe him. He wasn’t going to give up on him even if it took forever to get him to believe. Kageyama looked up at Hinata for the first time. His heart tightening when he saw how serious he looked.

            “You just have to stay alive to get there.”


	29. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I really want to die

“Why is love a thing?”

            Hinata stopped, looking up at Kageyama and furrowing his eyebrows.

            “Where did that come from?”

            “I don’t know. My curiosity, I guess.”

            “Well what do you mean by it?”

            “Why does love exist?”

            “I… well… I don’t know.”

            “I don’t like it.”

            “Love?”

            “Yes. I don’t like love.”

            “Why not?”

            Kageyama sighed.

            “It’s stupid.”

            “Care to elaborate?”

            Kageyama was quiet for a while and Hinata was about to go back to his homework whenever he spoke up again.

            “Take my family… your family is the people who are supposed to love you no matter what. They’re supposed to love you regardless of who you are or anything. My own mother hasn’t even called me to check on me in two months. It sucks. My mom isn’t that great so I guess I don’t care too much, but I want to know what I ever did to make them hate me so much. I don’t cause trouble. I was never a loud or annoying or obnoxious kid. Why do they hate me? Why do people at school hate me? Even you hated me whenever we first met.”

            Hinata opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. Kageyama was right, he had hated him whenever they first met, but Kageyama wasn’t that same person anymore.

            “People love you.”

            “Like who?”

            “Like my mom and my sister.”

            “That doesn’t count. They wouldn’t even know me if we weren’t friends.”

            Hinata wanted to argue, but stopped. Kageyama sounded serious and he needed to think about what he was going to say before he actually said it.

            “Love isn’t bad though.”

            “Then why don’t people love me? Why have I never gotten confessed to before?”

            “People don’t know you that well.”

            “But I’m on the volleyball team.”

            “Then maybe they’re too shy to talk to you.”

            “Or they hate me.”

            Hinata shook his head.

            “Kageyama, you may not believe it, but love is a good thing. Love is another one of those things that bind people together. It gives people hopes. Sure sometimes things are shit, but knowing that somebody loves you can make things a little bit easier. It gives people both someone and something to believe in.”

            “Maybe when they have someone to love and have someone that loves them, but I don’t have that.”

            “How do you know?”

            “Because people would tell me.”

            “Sometimes it’s hard for people to tell someone that they love them, especially if they’ve never told anyone before or they’re afraid of how the person will respond to it.”

            “That’s another reason why love sucks.”

            “Love is beautiful.”

            Kageyama sighed closing his eyes and covering his face.

            “I just want someone to love me.”

            “Someone does.”

            “How do you know?”

            “I just know.”


	30. Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story has just gotten progressively worse :/

“Movie night! Movie night! Movie night!” Hinata chanted.

            “I swear you say every night is movie night.” Kageyama said.

            “I do not!”

            “We had movie night like three days ago.”

            “Actually movie night was a week ago.”

            “And then we watched a movie the day after that too.”

            “That wasn’t movie night though.”

            “You’re weird.”

            Hinata shrugged and walked over to his bookcase, starting to look through the movies. Kageyama was right, they had watched quite a few movies lately, but he really liked spending time with Kageyama. He secretly liked watching movies with him more than anything else because Kageyama sat a lot closer to him than he did any other time.

            “Where’s your mom again?”

            “Once a month she takes Natsu out and they spend the day and evening together.” Hinata said. “Here, you pick a movie and I’ll go make the popcorn.”

            Kageyama nodded, getting off the couch and walking over to the shelf. Hinata went into the kitchen, starting to fix the popcorn.

            “Don’t forget the butter!” he called.

            “Obviously!” Hinata yelled back.

            He returned a few minutes later with a large bowl of popcorn, extra butter and salt added to the top.

            “Poppy corny.”

            Kageyama turned and looked at Hinata, furrowing his eyebrows.

            “Did you just say poppy corn?”

            Hinata blushed.

            “Maybe.”

            “You’re so lame.”

            “Shut up.”

            “Make me.”

            Hinata stood up, puffing his chest out and trying to stand taller in an attempt to intimidate Kageyama. Kageyama poked Hinata's shoulder, making him let out the breath he was holding in.

            “Jerk.”

            “Dumbass.”

            “Butthead.”

            Kageyama started to say something else, but instead grabbed a piece of popcorn and threw it at Hinata.

            “You are wasting popcorn!”

            “What are you gonna do about it?”

            Kageyama threw another piece at him, making Hinata glare at him. Hinata  huffed and threw a piece back at him.

            “Jerk.”

            “Butthead.”

            “Dumbass.”

            “Popcorn waster.”

            Kageyama snorted, shoving Hinata back gently.

            “You threw one at me too.”

            “Yeah, but you threw two so you wasted more than I did.”

            Kageyama threw another piece at him and he pouted.

            “Meanie.”

            Hinata sat down on the floor and Kageyama sat down next to him. He shoved him gently and Hinata shoved him back. Kageyama threw another piece of popcorn at him then shoved him again.

            They went back and forth for a bit then Kageyama pushed him again and Hinata fell over dramatically, making Kageyama snort.

            “Loser.”

            “Jerk.”

            Hinata kicked Kageyama's leg and Kageyama shoved him again. Hinata started to sit up, ready to hit Kageyama again when Kageyama beat him to it, leaning over and pinning his arms down.

            “I win.”

            Hinata looked up at Kageyama, his breath hitching when he realized just how close Kageyama was to him. He always knew Kageyama's eyes were blue, but it wasn’t until now that Hinata found out just how blue they actually were.

            They stared at each other for a moment, neither of them daring to move. Hinata was scared if he moved then Kageyama would accuse him of trying something and get upset. Kageyama was scared if he moved then Hinata would freak out and lock himself in his room. Neither wanted to upset the other so they didn’t move.

            Kageyama stared at Hinata and before he knew it, he was leaning down and kissing him gently. Hinata’s eyes widened. Was he dreaming or was Kageyama actually kissing him? When it fully registered, he relaxed and slowly starting to kiss Kageyama back.

            He lifted a hand, running it through Kageyama's hair gently. Kageyama let him, pressing their lips together a bit harder. Hinata let out a small noise, his face heating up from embarrassment.

            When it registered for Kageyama, he pulled away quickly. His face was red and hot and he couldn’t believe he had just done that. He’d worked so hard to keep his feelings a secret and he just ruined it all.

            He quickly sat up, sliding over to the opposite end of the couch. He buried his face in his knees, hugging his legs tightly to his chest in an attempt to hide himself from Hinata. He stayed quiet, not moving from his spot. He was worried if he did then Hinata would start yelling at him and ask him to leave.

            Hinata stayed quiet for a while and then slid over close to Kageyama. He hesitated and then reached out, touching his arm gently.

            “Kageyama…” he said softly.

            Kageyama didn’t answer, but Hinata kept talking anyways.

            “That could be another reason.”

            He waited again and there was still no answer.

            “Kisses. I mean… before that I had never kissed anyone before but I’ve seen people do in in real life and in movies and I know there’s lots of ways to do it… and like… they’re kinda nice. I mean, that one was a lot better than nice and I didn’t even know I made noises like that and they don’t always have to be romantic, but they usually are and I hope that one was too but they’re nice because there’s two people and one, or really both, are just like ‘hey I like you enough to put my mouth on yours’ and that sounds really weird, but they’re really nice and it’s okay and that kiss, the chance to have more of those is a good reason to stay alive, right? We can kiss more if you want to. I won’t mind. We can do it.” Hinata rambled.

            Kageyama didn’t answer and Hinata sighed, poking him again.

            “At least say something so I know you’re not dead.”

            Kageyama looked up, glancing at Hinata and then quickly looking away. He still felt embarrassed and he was mad at himself for letting out his feelings. He didn’t want Hinata to know because that just made everything so much more complicated than it already was. He had to figure out how to keep Hinata from finding out something was there.

            “I didn’t want to do that.”

            “Do what?”

            “Kiss you.”

            “O-oh…”

            It wasn’t what he meant to say. It wasn’t part of his plan. He didn’t want to hurt Hinata, he just didn’t want him to find out that he had feelings for him.

            “I shouldn’t have done it.”

            “Okay…”

            “It was a bad idea.”

            Why couldn’t he stop? He really didn’t want to hurt him. Why was he saying all of this?

            “Just put on the movie.”

            Hinata nodded, getting up to put on the movie. He sat back down, this time further away from Kageyama. He had always been sure that Kageyama didn’t like him and he had accepted it.

            So why did being certain hurt so bad?


	31. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're probably going to want some tissues.

Kageyama was quiet on the way back to Hinata's house. He had a lot on his mind and he didn’t want to talk and he was grateful that Hinata wasn’t trying to force him to. Usually he would, but after learning a bit about what was going on Kageyama's head he had been a lot more cautious about when he tried to force Kageyama to talk.

            Now was one of those times he knew better than to try and force things out of him. Hinata was learning to tell the difference between the times where Kageyama was quiet because he wanted to be and the times Kageyama was quiet because he was getting caught up in his head and his negative thoughts were taking over everything else.

            Hinata didn’t know what to do to make things better. He had been trying his hardest, but the past few days had been the worst of all and nothing he said seemed to be helping. He knew the reasons he had been giving Kageyama were more centered to romance as opposed to everyday things, but he was sure they would have helped if Kageyama wasn’t so stuck on the idea that no one would ever love him.

            What Hinata didn’t understand was that Kageyama wasn’t just disagreeing with him because they always fought and argued; Kageyama genuinely believed that no one loved him. Over the years his depression had gotten worse and his insecurities had built up. He knew he wasn’t the nicest person ever, but people always telling him didn’t help anything. He knew it was wrong to act how he used to and he was trying his hardest to be nice, but when people constantly told him he was a terrible person it only made things worse.

            He had seen so many people he knew get confessed to and he had never even gotten once. Even Tsukishima, someone who was even meaner than he was, had gotten confessed to. Kageyama didn’t understand what was so wrong with him that made people dislike him so much. The only person who even had a legitimate reason to hate him was Sugawara because Suga was a starter before Kageyama came along. Kageyama had practically stolen Sugawara’s spot on the team and he was two years younger. Despite that, Suga was still nicer to him than anyone else.

            Sometimes Kageyama wondered if he would be okay if he was still taking his medication, but it had stopped doing any good for him a long time ago. After a while it only made him feel worse so he stopped taking it. He didn’t have the money to get anything stronger so he dealt with it and that’s what he was still doing; or at least attempting to do.

            Knowing his own parents, the people who brought him into the world, didn’t even care enough to call him and check on him and make sure he was okay just made him feel worse. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised because even when they lived at home they never talked to him much or really wanted anything to do with him at all, but he would be lying if he said it still didn’t hurt.

            Hinata was nice and Kageyama thought he was even nicer know that he had spent an entire month trying to give him reasons why life was worth living, but at the same time it had only made things worse. Kageyama had thought Hinata was annoying at first, but somewhere along the lines he fell for him. He never told him because he was sure Hinata didn’t feel the same way, but being so close to him lately had only made him fall both harder and quicker and he was trying his hardest to keep everything in check and then yesterday he messed it up.

            He kissed Hinata. It wasn’t even a peck, it was a real, deep, serious, romantic kiss and he couldn’t take it back. He had wondered for a long time what it would be like to kiss someone, specifically what it would be like to kiss Hinata, and now he knew. He also knew he had ruined things though. Hinata didn’t feel the same way and he was certain he had ruined their friendship by telling him it was all an accident and he hadn’t meant it.

            Hinata was his best friend and the last person that he ever wanted to hurt, but now he had and he saw no reason to even try anymore. They had hardly spoken since then and Kageyama didn’t have to be told that it was his fault. He had hurt the only person that he cared about and he was sure that Hinata wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

            His heart hurt and it hurt a lot more than it had been hurting. He felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and his head was pounding and he just wanted to get away. He wanted to get away from everything and everyone and make everything go away.

            He wanted to stop hurting and stop being depressed and stop being anxious and he wanted the pounding in his head to stop. The pounding and the voices and the constant need to tear his skin open were all too much for him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted away, he wanted out, he wanted to die.

            No one would care. No one would miss him. No one would even have to know. He wouldn’t have to tell anyone so whenever he didn’t show up to school then people would just assume he was sick. It would take them a long time to realize just how long he hadn’t been there. Yamaguchi might figure it out since he was smart, but he wouldn’t care either. It’s not like they were friends.

            That’s what he would do. He would finally kill himself. That’s what he wanted. That’s what he needed. He could finally get away from the world and everything in it. He wouldn’t even have to worry about hurting Hinata because now he was mad at him. He could just write him a note and say he was sorry and then do it.

            He’d looked up ways to do it a long time ago and after hearing Yamaguchi’s story he knew another one. He still had his razor blade in a small container in his nightstand and he had the materials he needed to actually go through with it hidden in a box under his bed. He wanted to die. He needed to die. He was finally going to die.

            “I’m going home.”

            Hinata looked over at him, head tilting to the side. He was a bit surprised Kageyama had said anything because they hadn’t spoken since they left school and that was only for Hinata to ask him if he was ready to leave. Kageyama hadn’t even answered him, only giving him a small nod as a reply.

            “That’s where we’ve been headed this whole time.”

            “No, I’m going my home.”

            “Do you have to get more stuff?”

            “No.”

            “Because I can go with you.”

            “No.”

            “I can help.”

            “No.”

            “Why not?” Hinata asked. “You’ve let me help before.”

            “That’s not why I’m going.”

            “Why are you going then?”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “You don’t know yet you’re going anyways?”

            “Sure.”

            “You don’t sound very sure.”

            “Okay.”

            “Kageyama, if you think I’m mad about yesterday then I’m not. You can stay at my house longer, you can stay as long as you want or need. We all like having you around. Nobody minds that you’re there.”

            “That’s not it.”

            “Then why is it?”

            “Because I’m going to kill myself, okay?” he snapped.

            Hinata stopped dead in his tracks.

            “W-what?”

            Kageyama stopped, rolling his eyes and turning to look at Hinata.

            “I said I’m going to kill myself.”

            Hinata's chest tightened. His heart was pounding yet at the same time it seemed to have stopped and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

            “W-why?”

            “Because I’m sick of everything. I can’t fucking take these voices in my head anymore and I’m sick of no one caring.”

            “You gave me a month.”

            “It’s been a month.”

            “I have one more day left.”

            “No.” Kageyama said. “Today was your last day and you didn’t give me a reason. I’m going home. I’m going to kill myself. You’ll never have to worry about me again.”

            “What about my reasons?”

            “What about them?”

            “I thought they were helping.”

            “I was only humoring you. They didn’t do anything. You didn’t do anything to help me at all. All you gave me were a handful of bullshit excuses. Why should I stay alive for love? Nobody loves me so it’s a pitiful excuse. I don’t have a dog either and I probably wouldn’t have graduated on time anyways.”

            He was lying. Having Hinata around did help him some. He just thought if Hinata was furious with him then it would be easier for him to accept that he was no longer going to be around.

            “Why? Why did you do that to me?”

            Kageyama shrugged.

            “You wanted thirty days so I gave you thirty days.”

            “You could have said no.”

            “You begged so I humored you. I let you keep going so you could fill your good deed or whatever. You have your good karma now so you have nothing to worry about.”

            “Why are you doing this?”

            “I’ve already fucking told you why.”

            “Kageyama.”

            “No. I’m not listening to you anymore.”

            “Kageyama, please.”

            Hinata was starting to cry. He couldn’t take the idea of Kageyama killing himself. He couldn’t take the idea of not having him around anymore.

            “No.”

            “Why are you doing this? What about the people that love you?”

            “Nobody loves me.”  

            “Yes they do.”

            “No.”

            “And the people that care about you.”

            Kageyama scoffed.

            “Nobody cares.” He said. “If they fucking cared then they would have been here a long time ago. I tried talking to people, I tried reaching out and nobody fucking helped. Even in junior high I sunk so low as to try and talk to Oikawa-san and he hit my arm and told me that I was going to be fine then started talking about himself again. Tell me. If so many people fucking care then tell me where the hell they’ve been for the past four years!”

            “What about me?” Hinata asked, trying to stay calm.

            “What about you?”

            “What about me?” Hinata asked. “Did you _seriously_ just ask ‘what about me’?”

            “Yes, what about you?”

            “WHAT ABOUT ME!” Hinata yelled. “You’re going to tell me no one cares well WHAT ABOUT ME, KAGEYAMA?”

            Kageyama stared at him, waiting for him to answer the question.

            “I’ve spent the past fucking month giving you reasons to stay alive. Do you think that’s easy? Do you think it’s easy to watch your best friend crumble like their nothing? To see your best friend seriously believe that he’s nothing? It’s not! It’s not like I have a whole damn notebook talking about a bunch of fucking reasons to stay alive for either! No! I had to come up with that all on the spot and that’s not easy! Do you know how hard it was for me? And to watch you go home every day and wonder if I was even going to see you again! Do you know how scared I was?”

            “Nobody asked you to do it.”

            “That’s not the point!” Hinata yelled. “I did it because I care!”

            “Right, because you’ve been so worried today.”

            Kageyama rolled his eyes and Hinata punched him in the arm. He wasn’t even sad anymore, he was angry. He was furious that Kageyama had the nerve to tell him he didn’t care.

            “I’m still going to do it.”

            “Why?”

            “Because nothing matters anymore.”

            "What about me?" Hinata cried again. "Don't I matter? I'm your best friend! I should fucking matter! Do you think I did all that just to do it? No! I fucking love you, you dumbass! That’s why I did it!"

            He broke down in tears, loud and painful sobs that wrecked his whole body. He was a messier crier and it wasn't pretty. There was nothing beautiful or poetic about it. It was loud and messy and painful and Kageyama knew he had fucked up.

            “I…”

            “You what? Didn’t mean it that way? Too fucking late!”

            “Hinata, I—”

            “Just go!” he shouted. “I don’t fucking care anymore!”

            “Hinata.”

            “No! Shut up and leave me alone!”

            He looked at Kageyama one more time then ran off, leaving Kageyama standing there and staring after him. At least now he really didn’t have to worry about Hinata anymore. He hated him and Kageyama didn’t blame him because he really hated himself too.

            He headed back to his house, unlocking the door and walking in quietly. He slammed the door shut and made his way to his bedroom. He sat on his bed for a bit, thinking about what had just happen. His anger and pain slowly heightened, making him scream and throw everything on his nightstand off.

            The glass fell to the floor, shattering into pieces. He stared at it for a moment before picking up a piece. He sliced it across his arm quickly, watching the blood drip out. He did it a few more times before reaching into his nightstand drawer and pulling out the bottle of sleeping pills. He dumped them all out and picked up the bottle of water that was on the floor.

            He pulled out his phone, deciding to text Hinata just one last time. He was starting to feel lightheaded so he knew he had to hurry and make it quick. He hit his contact and carefully typed in the text.

            _‘I;n aotty’_

He put his phone back into his pocket and looked back at the pills. He grabbed a fist full and put them in his mouth, chasing them down with half the water. He took the other half of the pills, doing the same thing as he did the first time. He gripped the piece of glass a bit harder, taking it and cutting his arm some more.

            He started to feel even more lightheaded and before he had a chance to realize what was happening, he fell back on his bed, completely unconscious.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Hinata felt his phone vibrate and wanted to ignore it, but the tugging in his heart told him otherwise. He pulled his phone out and looked at it, starting to panic when he saw how off everything was. He jumped up, shoving it back into his pocket. He put his shoes on and ran out of the house, not even bothering to get a jacket on his way out.

            He grabbed his bike, making his way to Kageyama’s house. He said a silent prayer, begging for Kageyama to be okay. He knew his explosion didn’t help him but Kageyama was his best friend and he wanted him to be okay. No, he _needed_ him to be okay.

            When Hinata arrived there was two police cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck all outside of Kageyama's house. He started to panic even more. He needed to know what happened. He needed to know how Kageyama was. He ran up to a police officer, trying to catch his breath.

            “What happened?”

            “Not right now, son.” He said.

            “Please!”

            He was prepared to get on his knees and beg because he was desperate to find out what was wrong and what had happened. He was doing his hardest not to cry again because he was sure if he cried then the police officer would be even less likely to tell him what had happened. It was already a long shot because he wasn’t family and they never tell things to anyone who isn’t family.

            The problem with that was that Hinata didn’t have any idea who or where Kageyama's family was. Someone had to be there for him. Someone had to know what was going on and help him and be at the hospital to tell them what they knew.

            He was about to beg again when three medics walked out of the house, two of them holding a stretcher that was carrying Kageyama. He was partly covered, but Hinata still saw the blood dripping down his arm.

            His knees went weak and he felt like he was going to pass out. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be losing his best friend. He couldn’t. Kageyama had to be alive. He just had to be.

            “Please!’ Hinata cried. “Please tell me what happened! He’s my best friend and he doesn’t have any family!”

            The police officer sighed and turned to look at him.

            “It appears to be a suicide attempt. Neighbors say he came home after not being here for a while and they heard a bunch of noise. They called 119 and we found the door unlocked and he was in his bedroom unconscious. We have to get him to the hospital.”

            “Which one?”

            “Matsushima.”

            “Can I come?”

            “Not in the ambulance. You aren’t family.” he said. “Now excuse us, we have to leave.”

            Hinata watched them load Kageyama into the ambulance and drive away one by one, speeding towards the hospital. He went inside for a moment and found Kageyama's keys on the floor. He picked them up and walked back out, shutting the door and locking the door behind him.

            He shoved the keys into his pocket then picked up his bike. He got on it and started pedaling again. He had to get to the hospital. He had to see Kageyama. He had to make sure he was okay. He had to be okay. Hinata shut his eyes tightly for a moment, trying not to cry.

            “Please be alive, Tobio…” he whispered. “Please be alive.”


	32. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. We have arrived at the final chapter. I hope everyone has enjoyed reading it (or at least as much as you can enjoy reading a story about depression). Writing it has actually helped me quite a lot and I hope it's been able to do the same for some of you. 
> 
>  
> 
> I would really appreciate it if you would also read my other stories. I have a few KageHina one shots and various other Haikyuu stories for other ships. I have a new TsukkiYama story coming soon as well and I hope you stick around to read it.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos and love on this story. It really means a lot to me.

“I hate you.” Hinata said. “I really hate you.”

            He was sitting in the same chair he had been sitting in every time he came to visit for the past six months. He showed up before school then again after school and stayed there until his mom texted him and told him it was time to come home. Some days he stayed even longer, willing to deal with whatever lecture she would give him just to spend a little bit longer with Kageyama.

            “I hate you.”

            He didn’t actually hate Kageyama, he was just upset. He knew he should have expected it, after all, Kageyama had warned him he was going to do it. Hinata just never wanted to believe it. Even now he still didn’t want to believe that all of this was happening.

            Kageyama had been in a coma for six months now. He had attempted, Hinata learned, by taking sleeping pills and he had taken too many which resulted in his brain being filled with toxins and shutting down.

            “Everyone has been here.” Hinata said. “A handful of times, honestly. I missed school the next day and when Sugawara-senpai texted me to see why I had to call him to tell him everything. Everyone came to visit that night. He cried. So did Asahi-senpai and Yachi and Yamaguchi. Oikawa-san and Iwaizumi-san came to visit too. He said he wished he was nicer to you.”

            Hinata sighed.

            “Kenma came to visit too. Kuroo-san came with him. I thought Kenma was going to cry. He looked like he wanted to. I don’t think he deals with death very well. Even though you’re not actually dead. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima came back other time to visit and even Tsukishima looked upset. They brought flowers too. Tsukishima was carrying them, but I’m pretty sure they were actually Yamaguchi’s idea.”

            He leaned back into the chair and sighed again.

            “I’m sorry…” he said softly.

            Tears were starting to fall down his cheeks again. He felt responsible. He should have tried harder. He should have been nicer. He shouldn’t have yelled at Kageyama so much, especially after Kageyama told him he was going to kill himself. He should have gone come with him. He should have gone over sooner. He should have stopped him.

            “I’m sorry I failed you…” he said softly.

            Hinata wasn’t entirely sure how he felt. All of his emotions were mixed together and he felt overwhelmed.

            He was sad because his best friend was in a coma and nobody knew how long it would be until he woke up or if he even would. He was angry because he knew for a fact that Kageyama’s parents had been called and they still hadn’t shown up. He was frustrated because he tried and he tried, but clearly he didn’t try enough because Kageyama still went through with it. He was happy because at least Kageyama was no longer in pain. He felt guilty because he was happy.

            He had done everything he could think of to do. He had told Kageyama everything there was to tell him. It was getting harder to be there, to see Kageyama like this, and there were a few times he considered leaving and not coming back. Just the thought crossing his mind made him feel even guiltier because he was all Kageyama had. If he left then Kageyama would be alone again and he would be breaking his promise about never leaving him.

            It was just hard. It was hard to see his best friend lying completely motionless in a slightly raised hospital bed with sheets so white they would put teeth to shame. He was hooked up to so many monitors, cords all over his body connecting him to them. They were constantly beeping and the nauseating smell of propofol filled the room.

            Hinata was sure he’d never hurt as badly as he did the moment he walked into the hospital room and found Kageyama like this. As if everything wasn’t already bad enough, because of cutting himself Kageyama’s arms had also been stitched up and wrapped in an ugly beige bandage. Hinata’s heart clenched tightly every time he saw it.

            He was constantly hoping and praying for Kageyama to wake up. He knew Kageyama wouldn’t be very happy about it and he knew it would be hard and he would probably have to start seeing a psychiatrist again, but he didn’t want to see him like this anymore. He knew it was a selfish reason, but he couldn’t help it either. He missed his best friend. He missed his teammate.

            He missed being tossed to at practice because as much as he liked Sugawara, his tosses just weren’t the same. He missed eating lunch with Kageyama and having someone to bring an extra milk to. He missed having someone to race and someone to walk home with and someone to go to school festivals with. He just missed his best friend.

            Natsu missed him too. The day that everything happened Hinata had come home crying and she wouldn’t leave him alone until he told her what was wrong. He couldn’t really tell her though so he had to lie and just say Kageyama was sick. When his mom and Natsu visited Kageyama, she started crying because Kageyama wouldn’t talk back to her.

            Hinata didn’t know what else to do. He could make Natsu happier or the team or even himself. He just wanted Kageyama to wake up so everything could go back to normal. He had never been so certain that he truly did _need_ Kageyama.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Two months later and Kageyama still hadn’t woken up. It was halfway through October and the leaves were falling off the trees making Hinata feel like outside matched how he was feeling.

            “I started seeing a psychologist…” he said softly. “My mom thinks I’m depressed.”

            He missed Kageyama. He missed him so much. Visiting him every day only made him miss him more and the longer it took for him to wake up, the larger the effect it had on Hinata. One day he was sitting at the table and he dropped his fork and burst into tears. It was then that his mother realized all of this had been much harder on him then he let on. She made him start seeing someone, not wanting to lose him the same way he had lost Kageyama.

            “They haven’t diagnosed me with anything though so I don’t know whether I am or not. I am sad a lot though… I miss you…”

            He leaned forward, putting his head down on the bed. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to force himself not to cry. He had done so much crying, too much even, he was sure if he cried one more time then he would just never stop.

            “Nothing feels the same without you…” he said softly.

            He reached up, blindly taking Kageyama's hand and squeezing it gently. He missed being able to hold his hand. He missed having Kageyama sleep over every night. He missed their movie nights and having someone else there whenever it stormed. He hated storms even more now.

            Kageyama had left everything at Hinata's house and it got so hard to see it Hinata had to pack it all up and shove it in the hall closet so he wouldn’t be forced to look at it all the time. The only thing Hinata kept out was Kageyama's volleyball jersey. Some days it made him feel even worse, but for the most part it made him feel a lot better. It gave him hope.

            He kept it on his bed and slept with it every night. He knew it was a little weird and if anyone knew, Kageyama especially, they would make fun of him or yell at him, but something about having it close to him all the time made him feel better. It made him feel safer. It just made him feel like everything actually would be okay.

            He started to say something else, but was cut off by a loud beeping. Hinata’s head shot up as nurses rushed in, pulling his chair back. He tried to ask a question, but was only shoved out of the room as a doctor ran by him and into the room, shutting the door behind him.

            Hinata tried to ask what was wrong, but no one would tell him so he gave up and slowly walked to the waiting room. He sat down, putting his arms on his knees and burying his face in his hands.

            He hated not knowing things. He needed to know what was going on. He needed someone to tell him what was happening and whether or not Kageyama would be okay. He wanted, he needed, to be there when Kageyama woke up. If Kageyama's heart was going to give out then he needed to be there for that too.

            He had so much more to say and so much he wanted to confess and apologize for and if they wouldn’t let him back in the room he wouldn’t be able to do any of it. He needed to be there for Kageyama. He promised to always be there. He _had_ to be there.

            He shut his eyes tightly, saying another prayer and begging whoever would listen to let Kageyama be okay. He had already lost his dad and his dog; he couldn’t lose his best friend too. He needed Kageyama. He needed him now more than he had ever needed someone before.

            “Please…” he begged quietly. “Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. I need him. I really need him…”

            Hot tears fell down his face, his hands shaking slightly. He was so worried. He needed to know what was going on. He needed someone to tell him what was wrong with Kageyama and why one of the machines had started beeping like that.

            “Sir.”

            Hinata looked up, rubbing his eyes slightly so he could see clearly. The doctor stood in front of him, looking down at him.

            “You can go back in with your friend now.”

            “W-what h-happened?” Hinata asked.

            He was relaxing a bit now. Kageyama had to be okay because if the beeping had been bad and he was dead then the doctor wouldn’t tell him he could go back in to see him.

            “We’ll explain everything to you shortly.”

            Hinata nodded, standing up and following the doctor back to Kageyama's room. He walked inside slowly; almost scared to go inside in fear that something bad would happen.

            “Kageyama…” he said softly.

            He walked over to the bed, trying to see if anything had changed. He looked down and was met with a pair of dark blue eyes.

            “Kageyama!” Hinata cried.

            He leaned down, throwing his arms around Kageyama. He started crying all over again, pressing his face to Kageyama's chest.

            “How are you? Are you okay? Do you know what happened? Did they tell you? Do I need to get the doctor?”

            Hinata asked question after question, not even giving Kageyama any time to answer before asking another.

            “C-calm d-d-down.” Kageyama said.

            His voice was soft and raw from not talking for so long.

            Hinata just kept crying, holding onto Kageyama. He didn’t want to let go and sit up. He was afraid if he did then he would find out this was all a dream and Kageyama was actually still asleep. Or even worse.

            “I missed you so much…” Hinata said softly. “I’m so glad you’re awake.”

            Kageyama didn’t say anything and Hinata looked up, having to check to make sure he was actually awake.

            “Kageyama…” Hinata said softly.

            “I k-know you’re g-glad,” he managed. “B-but I’m n-not.”

            Hinata nodded slightly.

            “I know…” he said softly. “But I’m still here for you.”

            “You don’t understand.”

            “What?”

            Kageyama shook his head and Hinata sighed softly. He pulled the chair closer, sitting down in it and taking Kageyama's hand gently.

            “Hey… talk to me…” he said softly.

            Kageyama sighed and turned his head to look at Kageyama.

            “I wanted to die.” he said. “I don’t want to be here. I still don’t. I’m not happy that I’m still alive. I’m so much of a fuck up that I can’t even kill myself.”

            “Don’t say that!” Hinata scolded. “You are not a fuck up.”

            “Who says?”

            “I do!”

            Kageyama shook his head.

            “You don’t count.”

            “Well why not?”

            “You’re my best friend.”

            “And that’s exactly why my opinion should count.” Hinata said. “I’m your best friend. I know you better than anybody else does.”

            Kageyama sighed softly.

            “You don’t understand.”

            “I don’t understand what? What it’s like to be depressed?” Hinata asked. “Maybe I don’t, but you don’t know what I went through when I lost my dad. You don’t know how close I was to him and how hard that was for me. It was fucking awful, Kageyama. You don’t know how hard it’s been for me these past eight months either. You don’t know what it was like for me to see you in this bed hooked up to so many machines. You don’t know how I felt whenever that machine went off. I was so fucking terrified that I had lost you. I thought you were dead. You have no idea how I felt whenever I got to your house and I found them carrying you out on a stretcher. There was so much blood and I couldn’t tell if you were breathing. So yeah, you’re right. I don’t know what it’s like to be depressed, but I do know what it’s like to lose someone and to be afraid that you’ve lost someone and I know that I don’t want it to happen again.”

            Kageyama sighed softly.

            “I’m sorry…” he said softly. “I forgot about your dad…”

            “Clearly…” Hinata mumbled.

            They were quiet for a while and then Kageyama spoke up again.

            “How’s the team?”

            Hinata shrugged.

            “Fine.”

            Kageyama frowned.

            “You’re mad at me now.”

            “No shit.”

            “Hinata, I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t lie to me.” Hinata said seriously. “If you were sorry you would listen to me and actually care about what I have to say.”

            “I did. I gave you your entire month.”

            “I mean now.”

            Kageyama sighed again.

            “It’s just hard…” he said quietly.

            “I get that, but that’s why I’m here. I promised you that I would always be there and I’m still keeping that promise.” Hinata said. “The doctor can give you a new psychiatrist to see and they can give you a better medication to take. You can stay at my house for as long as you want to and I’m always going to be around to help you. Yamaguchi offered to help me with homework and I’m sure he’ll help you too.”

            Kageyama hesitated and then nodded.

            “Okay…” he said softly. “I’ll try.”

            Hinata smiled and squeezed Kageyama's hand gently.

            “Are you sure I can do this? Are you sure I’ll be okay?”

            “You’re going to have bad days just like you did before all of this happened, but I’m always going to be there to help you through them.” Hinata said. “My mom is here too. She loves you. She’s more than willing to help you whenever you need it. She’ll make you pork curry any time you’re feeling sad.”

            “With egg?” Kageyama asked.

            Hinata smiled.

            “Is there any other way to eat it?”

            Kageyama sighed softly and looked up at Hinata.

            “But how do you know I can do this?” Kageyama asked. “Live. Survive. Be okay.”

            Hinata gave Kageyama's hand another soft squeeze.

            “Because,” He said softly. “There is nothing I believe in more than you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To answer any questions to might have:  
> 1) I debated for a long time about what to do with Kageyama and I eventually settled on a coma. Then I debated on him not waking up, but I decided he should. While things are still bad for him and he doesn't want to live, deep down he also knows he'll never get better if he gives up the fight.  
> 2) Propofol is a type of medication sometimes given to patients who are in a coma. It is used to stimulate brain activity and help wake them up.  
> 3) The flowers were actually from Tsukishima, not Yamaguchi. He'd been in Hinata's place with Yamaguchi and knew it was hard. He also understood how bad off Kageyama had to be to do that and wanted to get him something nice.  
> 4) The reason there was very little romance and why Hinata didn't confess again and Kageyama didn't at all is because love doesn't save people. I have read too many stories where someone has been depressed and suicidal and they meet someone and then are miraculously cured and they make me angry, especially as someone with depression who is suicidal and has/does self-harm. Love does not cure people. Having someone who loves you and knowing someone is always there can help, but it does not cure mental illness. Hinata being in love with Kageyama did not save him. Kageyama has to fight to save himself. He still has to get up every single day and deal with his demons.
> 
>  
> 
> I did my best to show the multiple sides of depression, but this is based off my experiences. Other people may experience things differently and that's okay. Mental illness affects everyone differently.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading my story. I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for taking this ride with me.
> 
> <3Sugaandspice


	33. !Sequel?

A one shot should be up within the next few days.

It's going to be the sequel to this and it's called Forever Unstoppable.

I hope you stick around and read it :)

Edit: Sequel is now up! I hope you'll go check it out.


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